tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62466679748450055452024-03-05T13:14:29.391-08:00Dear DadThe Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-77086932136839260972016-10-26T20:15:00.001-07:002016-10-26T20:15:27.359-07:00Dear Dad: The One With the Mom on the Edge and the Dad Who Should Be in Hell<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dear Dad,
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I will try to keep this brief, but I feel I'm on the edge of breaking and will end up ranting. I have two children ages 13 and 9. Their biological father hasn't seen them since the end of July. Now this is because an investigation was opened regarding him and my nine-year-old who was interviewed by the police and the state police and the Child Safety Center and numerous other people. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here it is months later and he hasn't spent one night in jail. The only punishment he is getting is losing contact with the girls. This is the ultimate punishment, but I don't feel it's enough. "Lack of penetration" deemed this case unnecessary for certain people to step in that could actually process this properly. I've spent the last several weeks attempting to contact the police and other people involved in the investigation. However it seems like I'm getting the runaround. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Monday morning their biological father texted me. He had the audacity to ask if he could have the girls this weekend. This is not happening. I've already been advised that my thirteen-year-old is old enough to stand in front of a judge and say she's had enough of him, and considering the circumstances that my nine-year-old could do the same. I just feel very frustrated. My nine-year-old is terrified that someone somewhere will try to force her to go back to her biological father's house.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm not really sure if I'm asking for advice. What I am really wanting is to get this out there. People need to talk with their children. Trust their children. And protect them from those that do them harm - even if it's another parent!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Dear 'Edge',</b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>I've been trying to wrap my brain around the situation you are describing, and I think part of why I haven't run a column in a few weeks is how disturbed I am by your question.</b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>I'm confused. There is enough evidence where he can't see your children, but due to "lack of penetration" he has not been prosecuted? Where do you live? Have your children gone through forensic testimony (which is fucking horrible, but sometimes necessary) in order to prosecute? If you have a nine-year-old child and a thirteen-year-old child who can corroborate a report of sexual abuse, what is going on with your local law enforcement? </b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>I do have to say that in any investigation, including those involving SVU, they take TIME. These investigations take an impossible amount of time where the piece of shit perps walk around, even near their victims before ANYTHING is done. I promise you, 'Edge', they do get dealt with and justice does prevail and I'm hoping that is what is going on in your situation. I know three months feels like an eternity, but in legal terms, it isn't that long (I'll bet you will hear something around Christmas time/the turn of the year).</b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>I appreciate your question and hope enough people read it to reach anyone who may be in your situation because your desire to spread the message of listening to and protecting your children is ESSENTIAL. </b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>You need to trust your gut and listen to your children and under NO circumstances allow that piece of shit anywhere near your kids. </b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>But that is not enough. I don't know why your local DCF, SVU, and any other law enforcement department is failing you, but they ARE FAILING YOU!</b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Please immediately contact this organization: </b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5a5a5a; font-family: "Open Sans", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 600;"><span class="sumo_twilighter_highlighted twilighter-3d1cb4c1" style="background-color: rgba(90, 90, 90, 0.14902); border: 0px !important; box-sizing: border-box; color: inherit !important; cursor: inherit; float: inherit !important; font-family: inherit !important; font-size: inherit !important; font-stretch: inherit !important; font-style: inherit !important; font-variant: inherit !important; font-weight: inherit !important; line-height: inherit !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important; vertical-align: inherit !important;">National Sexual Assault Hotline, from </span><a href="https://rainn.org/" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #ff7e00; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; transition: all 0.1s ease-in-out;"><span class="sumo_twilighter_highlighted twilighter-3d1cb4c1" style="background-color: rgba(90, 90, 90, 0.14902); border: 0px !important; box-sizing: border-box; color: inherit !important; cursor: inherit; float: inherit !important; font-family: inherit !important; font-size: inherit !important; font-stretch: inherit !important; font-style: inherit !important; font-variant: inherit !important; font-weight: inherit !important; line-height: inherit !important; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important; vertical-align: inherit !important;">RAINN.org</span></a><span class="sumo_twilighter_highlighted twilighter-3d1cb4c1" style="background-color: rgba(90, 90, 90, 0.14902); border: 0px !important; box-sizing: border-box; color: inherit !important; cursor: inherit; float: inherit !important; font-family: inherit !important; font-size: inherit !important; font-stretch: inherit !important; font-style: inherit !important; font-variant: inherit !important; font-weight: inherit !important; line-height: inherit !important; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important; vertical-align: inherit !important;"></span></span><span class="sumo_twilighter_highlighted twilighter-3d1cb4c1" style="background-color: rgba(90, 90, 90, 0.14902); border: 0px !important; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5a5a5a; cursor: inherit; float: inherit !important; font-family: "Open Sans", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit !important; font-variant-numeric: inherit !important; line-height: inherit !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important; vertical-align: inherit !important;"></span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5a5a5a; font-family: "Open Sans", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span class="sumo_twilighter_highlighted twilighter-3d1cb4c1" style="background-color: rgba(90, 90, 90, 0.14902); border: 0px !important; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5a5a5a; cursor: inherit; float: inherit !important; font-family: "Open Sans", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit !important; font-variant-numeric: inherit !important; line-height: inherit !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important; vertical-align: inherit !important;"></span><span style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5a5a5a; font-family: "Open Sans", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 600; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span class="sumo_twilighter_highlighted twilighter-3d1cb4c1" style="background-color: rgba(90, 90, 90, 0.14902); border: 0px !important; box-sizing: border-box; color: inherit !important; cursor: inherit; float: inherit !important; font-family: inherit !important; font-size: inherit !important; font-stretch: inherit !important; font-style: inherit !important; font-variant: inherit !important; font-weight: inherit !important; line-height: inherit !important; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important; vertical-align: inherit !important;">800.656.HOPE (4673)</span></span><div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>If I were you, I would start making daily phone calls to my local department of children and family services, local school system, my local police station, and local media outlets (on the condition of complete anonymity - very important, you don't want to bring unneeded attention to your children who are already going through a lot). </b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>I would make these calls in concert with putting everything in writing and sending time/date marked emails, as well as sending correspondence to your state's attorney general, as well as the contacts I've listed above via certified/return receipt requested letters. Make note of any and every contact he makes and create a diary of events as described by your children! I would wake up the next day and do it again. And again. And again. And again - until SOMEONE listens!</b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Above all else, 'Edge', you need to follow your gut and protect your children. Don't let that bastard near them. If he puts up a stink, call the police and show them your history after following my advice on the above. </b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Praying for you and and your children and sending good thoughts and energy. Please keep us updated! </b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>What does everyone else think? Any other advice for this mom (and hopefully that echoes my initial reaction to this post which was not fit for printing)?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>If you are in this situation, follow this <a href="http://americanspcc.org/child-sexual-abuse/?gclid=Cj0KEQjwqMHABRDVl6_hqKGDyNIBEiQAN-O9hADvhfn5Mf3ByU1m_TSisy1GHg9J5Am411sO6v6uZdoaAqE68P8HAQ" target="_blank">link</a></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>photo: flickr/<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/bennyseidelman/" target="_blank">Ben Seidelman</a></b></span></div>
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The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-20008225857784858912016-09-29T17:28:00.001-07:002016-09-29T17:28:34.822-07:00The One With the Pig and the Work Floozy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Dear Dad,</div>
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My husband and I have been married for six years. I just proved this past January that he has been "dating" a girl at work off and on for the past four years. Looking back it had to be around the time that he started suggesting we hang out with her and her husband that they started to see each other. We on occasion went out together as a double date for drinks or to shoot pool. She knew he was married with two kids before they ever took it past talking.</div>
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He has started to try to be more of a part of mine and the kids lives since I confronted him with proof this time (I couldn't prove but have brought up their relationship several times in the past- back then you couldn't read what was in the texts but could see how many was going to and from who. 1,000+ texts in one month alone between the two of them and they were always deleted from his phone).</div>
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So here is my question: for years I have wanted another baby, he always said no. Recently he has started suggesting that we try for another baby. I can't help but wonder if his motivation for wanting another child is to pull me back in because since I have proven his infidelity I have not been the sweet and out going person he married. I am not so ready to jump into bringing a baby into our mess, but am I wrong for that? He still works with that woman and I feel like maybe the craziness of the whole new baby journey might push him back to her. The six weeks after our youngest child being born was when they started "talking as friends."</div>
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Signed,</div>
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The "Work Wife"</div>
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Dear "Instincts,"</div>
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I changed your name because I feel it is more fitting for your question. You have a gut instinct on what to do, and you need to trust it. Never use a baby as a marriage/relationship band aid. It would not be fair to the unborn child nor your other kids, and I promise you it won't work and you may find yourself the single mother to three children instead of two.Is that really something you are prepared to face?</div>
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You have some questions to ask yourself. First, are you interested in an open marriage, because you are married to someone who clearly lacks the ability to be monogamous. As I've mentioned in my column before, my wife and I began in an open relationship. We didn't believe in monogamy, nor a traditional marriage. When push came to shove, it did not work for us and led to a six year break up. For some people, it works. It didn't work for us and from what I gathered from your question, I don't think it would work for you either.</div>
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My issue with your situation is that he didn't just "cheat" on you - he had an ongoing relationship with someone he has an intimate and daily connection with. I call that a special kind of pig. If he wanted an open relationship, he should have discussed it with you and not gone behind your back. I wondered if perhaps he and work floozy and her husband were going to ask you to swing (I always go with my gut when I read a question). It does not seem from your question, though, that the issue was ultimately about sex or lacking the ability to be monogamous - he full on had a secret relationship with another person! How does that make you feel?</div>
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Second, why are you still in your marriage? Is your husband providing everything you need to remain the "sweet outgoing person" you were when you got married and that you deserve to be? Are you growing together as a couple and as a team? Is this what you signed up for?</div>
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Third, if a man disrespects you so much that he takes you on double dates with work floozy and her husband, what does that say about what he thinks of you? Do you think that gesture means he thinks you are a smart, deserving woman? Or, does he think you are a clueless doormat?</div>
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The solution to your problem is not avoidance and bringing another human being into the mix. You need to answer the questions I asked you for yourself and then get into some counseling - both with your husband and for yourself. I believe every marriage is worth working on to fix. I just just worry that you have been an afterthought and so horribly betrayed.</div>
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It is going to take a lot of work, blood, sweat, tears and rebuilding of trust for this story to have a happy ending. Regardless, I wish YOU a happy ending because you can have any life that you want. Make sure you prioritize yourself - he sure hasn't been. <span class="_47e3" style="font-family: inherit;" title="heart emoticon"><i aria-hidden="1" class="img sp_fM-mz8spZ1b sx_62a652" style="background-image: url("/rsrc.php/v3/yl/r/NtxfCiWWu4q.png"); background-position: 0px -204px; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: auto; display: inline-block; height: 16px; vertical-align: -3px; width: 16px;"></i><span aria-hidden="1" class="_7oe" style="display: inline-block; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0px; width: 0px;"><3</span></span></div>
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Readers - what are your thoughts? Could you stay with someone who had a long-term, secret, ongoing intimate relationship with someone else?</div>
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photo: flickr/</div>
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<a class="owner-name truncate no-outline" data-rapid_p="52" data-track="attributionNameClick" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/92349434@N00/" style="background-color: #f3f5f6; color: #212124; cursor: pointer; display: block; float: left; font-family: "Proxima Nova", "helvetica neue", helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 20px; font-weight: 600; line-height: 1; margin-left: 0px; max-width: 250px; outline-width: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 5px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; top: 17px; white-space: nowrap; width: auto;" title="Go to ryan remillard's photostream">ryan remillard</a><div>
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The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-90226529204638824822015-09-01T23:29:00.001-07:002015-09-01T23:30:10.874-07:00Dear Dad: The One With The "Me Time" Question<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear Dad,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My wife suggested we put our three kids in after school care
to free up time for us through the week. Our kids are in 1<sup>st</sup>, 2<sup>nd</sup>,
and 7<sup>th</sup> grade and their schools are far enough away where I have to
leave work early to pick them up and then work from home for a couple of hours
at night, and where my wife has to cut short her afternoons to make sure she is
home with them when we get home. We only
have one vehicle, so timing all of this really sucks. The younger kids take the bus, but the bus
stop is a hike away, as is the middle school where our son is a walker, and we
live in an unpredictable climate. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here is my dilemma: I
don’t really want to spend the money. It
is going to cost a lot out of pocket for this, and I don’t know that I want to
spend that much. We have the money to spare, but is it worth it? I also worry
about taking away family time through the week, as the weekends are hectic with
our kids all enrolled in a ton of activities.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also have a small business I would like to get off the
ground, and never have any time to do it.
My wife rides her bike everywhere, and often has to leave things she is
in the middle of to make sure she is home in time for the kids so I can finish
my work day. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m stumped. Advice
appreciated.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear ‘Stumped’,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you ever heard of “me-time?” ‘Me-time’ is this
unicorn-esque, urban-legend-like amount of time where both members of a
partnership step away from their parental/spousal/adult roles and
responsibilities to revisit themselves and spend time working on whatever that
means to each individual. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For some it means relaxing – taking a nap, or catching up on
a favorite show, or maybe even a prolonged soaker-spa bath. For others, it means reading up on a hobby,
or investing time into creating the business that has been on their to-do list
for years (perhaps even dusting off an old guitar?). In other words, “me time” is <b><i>paramount</i></b>
to every.single.person.<b><i>ever</i></b>!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I had received this question when I first started this
column, I <b><i>know</i></b> my answer would be different. I would have talked about the importance of
structure, stability, and centeredness of your children and how paramount that
must be in how you build your schedule.
Hogwash! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My children are getting older (the twins are 7 and our
oldest is 11), and I have found that the need for “planned-to-the-minute-through-the-week-schedules”
are nonsensical. They are not productive
for anyone. I used to feel guilty if I
let a 20 minute time slot fall unplanned – only to realize, I was drowning at
the surface of the water levels I created. I was feeling like a failure in the
jaws of victory, simply because I felt I should always be doing more. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My advice, ‘Stumped’, is to try this new free time for both
yourself and your wife. Keep in mind
that you will be eligible for some type of tax write off (though, don’t get me
started – it is <b><i>not</i></b> what it should be). Try
giving yourselves a life line and see where it leads. What if allowing yourself this extra time
frees up enough “me time” to get that business off the ground? What if allowing your wife this extra time
allows her to find a way to revisit her own dreams, and/or gives her a sense of
balance she would not have otherwise? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am a firm believer that “me time” replenishes individuals
to be more involved, more motivated, and more <b><i>present</i></b> during family
time. My wife and I have always had ‘me
time’ in place, and a give and take to make sure we each have it every week. As
our children are getting older, we are both daring to do more with it – and I
have embarked on new journeys I could not have otherwise, and she has finally
gone back to get a degree that her job has necessitated for years. When our “me” time is over, we engage with
our children who <b><i>also</i></b> had “me time” and share the stories of our days. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You don’t ever want to look back and say “what if.” Try the afterschool care for a bit and see
how it works. If you find yourself not
being productive, and not accomplishing anything reconsider it. If the children are miserable and missing you
and your wife, pull the plug. The worst
case scenario in trying is realizing it wasn’t a good fit for you and your
family. The best case scenario is
unlocking this great opportunity for your entire family to all give yourselves
the “me time” needed to be able to fully give to the “us time” that makes a
family function well. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Good luck!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are all busy and over extended, trying to keep above
water with family, career, and self-obligations. How many people have “me time” incorporated
into their weekly schedules?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I<o:p></o:p></div>
The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-38280821215545497342015-08-27T22:03:00.002-07:002015-08-27T22:03:50.120-07:00Yes, Dad's a Man - But We CAN Talk About That<br />
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"Daddy!" I heard my daughter scream from behind the bathroom door. In a sheer panic, I dropped my kitchen knife that was chopping onions for dinner that strewn about the floor as I rushed to the bathroom door to make sure my daughter was OK.</div>
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My heart was pounding out of my chest and I frantically yelped, "What? Honey, what is it? Are you ok?"</div>
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"No. I need Mom."</div>
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<br /></div>
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"Mom's at work."</div>
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<br />"But I NEED HER!"</div>
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<br /></div>
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I quickly realized she did not, in fact, trip and split her head open on the tub, nor did so sever a finger on one of my razors (though the urgency in her muffled scream promised otherwise). She needed her mom because she had a "girl question," and since my wife would not be home for another hour, I was her only available option for advice.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
"We've talked about this before, hon. I have never gotten my period, and I don't know what it feels like - but I know all the ups and downs and ins and outs and we can discuss this." </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Silence.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Earlier this year, I had a brush with my daughter getting her first period on my watch. I truly believed she had gotten her period, and panicked a bit (though held myself together as much as I could to act like I wasn't phased). I wrote an article that tried to take a humorous perspective on the event (which did not actually happen that day), and had it published a few months later. In a fascinating timing of destiny, my eleven year old daughter got her period the day the article was published. She had read (and approved) the article before I submitted it for publication, so we had already begun a dialogue (and shared some laughs - link to the piece is below). I knew 'silence' should not be accepted at face value.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
"Remember how you thought it was funny when you read how 'brave' I was being when that incident happened with the popsicle, and you told me you saw right through it?"</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
"Um, yeah."</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
"I think we've come a long way since then and I truly am brave and am someone you can talk to if you need to, or ask questions if you have any."</div>
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<br /></div>
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Silence.</div>
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<br /></div>
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"OK, if you change your mind, I am going to finish making dinner," I assured her.</div>
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<br /></div>
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As I turned back towards the kitchen, I heard the lock on the handle click as my daughter emerged from the bathroom looking absolutely miserable. "Daddy, why do I feel like this?" </div>
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<br /></div>
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I gave her a hug and then guided her towards the kitchen where I prepared a cup of chamomille tea and warmed a damp dishtowel in the microwave. </div>
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<br /></div>
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"Here put this on your belly under your belly button," I advised, as I handed her the dishtowel. I cleared my throat and gave my daughter that little 'we're about to get real' look I sometimes give her, as I added honey and lemon to her tea. I continued, "Your body is going through a lot of changes, as you know, and you are going to start experiencing your period every single month soon. You are lucky because as a female you are able to have kids, but with that gift comes this responsibility that can often feel like a curse or a burden."</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
"Why do we have to go through this every month? I get so upset and emotional and I don't know why and then I hurt. It makes we want to rip my hair out of my head." </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
I chuckled to myself at the thought that I will soon have three daughters going through this and a wife in menopause. I scrambled to find next words and offered, "I don't know why it has to be every month, and I don't know that it is fair that it has to be every month (in my head: for ANYONE!). The key is for you to recognize when you need some extra "me" time and take a step back from whatever you are doing. Have a cup of tea. Put a hot compress on your belly to help with the pain, and sit in a quiet room for a few minutes to regroup. If you have symptoms that get worse, there are pills you can take, but I want you to try to follow these steps so you will learn now that your period doesn't have to be a bad thing. It will be more like an inconvenience. Don't allow all the feelings to take over your mood or ruin your day, and get ahead of the physical symptoms to make sure you feel well."</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
My daughter gave me the most beautiful and reassuring smile as though a lightbulb clicked on for her. She cracked the half grin which means 'you're great dad' that she does every so often. I put my hand under her chin and winked and smiled, and returned to chopping onions. I motioned to her to join me in preparing dinner and she started peeling potatoes.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
"So you basically have no idea or clue what you are talking about, but I can still go to you when I am scared?" she asked in a slyly sarcastic undertone.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Without skipping a beat, I said, "You catch on quick, push-push (her nickname). I do my best, but I don't have all the answers. I imagine if I were faced with what women have to endure, that is what I would do." My daughter rolled her eyes and mouthed a dramatic "WOW" and smiled.</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2137" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2136" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
We both chuckled and prepared dinner while talking about school and work. My wife came home from work and had a conversation with our daughter and all was well in the world. </div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2135" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2134" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
I checked my email later that night, and push-push had sent me an email from the account we created for her to email her friends from her old school after we relocated. I opened it up and found: "Dad, thank you for today and for actually being brave this time. I don't think you were right, and that towel didn't do anything but make my shirt damp. I feel like I can talk to you about anything. I love you." </div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2133" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2087" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2086" style="font-size: 12pt;">I sighed and smiled at the same time, wishing I knew everything, but glad I handled the situation as well as I could. I wrote back and told her that I am a parent and an adult, but I do not have all the answers (no one told me that as a kid). I promised to always be there for her and that she could turn to me with EVERY question she ever has - I am strong enough and brave enough to handle anything." </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2093" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2092" style="font-size: 12pt;">The next day I received another email asking me how she can tell if a boy likes her. She is eleven. THAT is a lot to process, but I have seen her and a boy in the neighborhood interact several times where it is obvious "that" time is not far off. </span><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2094" style="font-size: 12pt;"> I wrote back and advised her that I knew she liked (name redacted), and since I have seen how he regards her, and have witnessed how he will walk away from the other boys to walk with her, and listens to her and asks her questions, that most likely he likes her and that he is a good boy.</span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2095" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2132" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Later that night, she responded, "(name redacted)??? EW, gross Dad! I meant (name redacted of two years older hockey playing boy who I am not particularly fond of)!!"</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2131" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1440738165919_2096" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
I have this sense of being on a precipice, and know that free-falling is not an option. My daughter and I have since continued these email conversations on a daily basis. Sometimes she just says "hi" (like back when she was to and would just randomly say 'hi'), and sometimes I get hard hitting questions. I am not google and I am not female, but I am a father who loves and adores his kids. I may not have all the answers, but I hope we maintain this connection and openness so that at least my empathy and understanding come through in the whirlwind that is about to guide the next years. </div>
The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-32505070910433613702015-08-04T20:07:00.000-07:002015-08-04T20:07:07.820-07:00The one that did not stump me<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, 'lucida grande', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.466667175293px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Dear Dad,</div>
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I have one that is going to stump you. I was raised to respect my elders, and to grin and bear anything for the sake of keeping others comfortable, especially when they are guests in my home. My husband and I are both liberal Democrats and politics are important to us, but aside from voting and following the news and elections it ends there. My in laws, however, are die hard conservative Republicans and have something to say on everything from abortion, to gay rights, to illegals, to any type of entitlement "lazy bums" think they are entitled to!</div>
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My father in law is the worst. He arrives at my home and starts spewing off news stories like he was a ticker on fox news and does this in front of my young children. My husband knows it bothers me, but what he doesn't know is that I am about to go off on them! They came to dinner last week and started talking about the next presidential run and going off on what a moron Hilary Clinton is and how "only a woman would have 30,000 personal emails to delete as the secretary of state."</div>
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I don't want to rock the boat, but what do I do? I don't think I can sit through one more minute, never mind this Sunday's dinner with these people!! I love them, but what do I do?</div>
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Dear 'Did Not Stump Me',</div>
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I, too, have in laws and outspoken family and friends, and assure you, 'Did Not Stump Me', that you did not stump me, and I hope I can help you. I also frequently host dinner parties which are both work and friend oriented, and know that the first rule of thumb as a host: NEVER allow political, religious, or money talk. I have mastered the art of changing subjects when something controversial comes up, and pat myself on the back with my ability to keep the evening flowing in a peaceful and enjoyable way. When it comes to family, however, it is a whole different beast.</div>
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I, too, was raised to make sure those around me are comfortable while hosting a party, even if it is just dinner with my mom. I also have outspoken family members in my own and in my wife's family. My way of dealing with outspoken opinions is to cordially respect what someone is saying, and revert to my "change the subject super powers" as needed. When one crosses the line into 'newsfeed banter', however, I approach my wife and we discuss how to put the kibosh on things immediately.</div>
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We, too, have a family member or four who say things they should not be saying in front of six year old children and that crosses the line into inappropriate. We have confronted these family members - GENTLY - and advised them that current events are not part of the curriculum for our children, and that while we respect his/her opinions, we would like to reserve these types of discussions for when the children are sleeping, or when our hearing has completely failed. HA! OK, so maybe not that last part, but the point is we are direct, even when sometimes it feels uncomfortable.</div>
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My advice is for you and your husband to confront your in laws about this subject and communicate how you are feeling. I think setting boundaries is especially important when these conversations are taking place in your own home. Yes, they are your elders, but that is YOUR home and it is YOUR rules. You should never, even as host, be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. You also have a right to communicate these feelings in their home because you are being a good parent. Why should anyone be discussing current events around small children? They should not be, it is inappropriate.</div>
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I send you good thoughts and energy, as you are going to go through something uncomfortable. I want you to ask yourself, 'Did Not Stump Me', at the end of the day: do you want to have one uncomfortable dinner with your in laws, or a lifetime of what you have been enduring?</div>
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We all have that outspoken friend or family member who takes things too far during normal conversation, or even on their social media accounts. How do you deal with the outspoken in your life?</div>
The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-17457699780745137112015-08-04T20:01:00.000-07:002015-08-04T20:01:57.146-07:00The One With The Mom Who "Feels Wrong"<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, 'lucida grande', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.466667175293px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
Dear Dad,</div>
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Please post this anonymously. My ex husband and I have been separated for 6 years and divorced for 1 year. We have both moved on as he is with another girl and I'm getting remarried in May.</div>
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My oldest son with my ex husband now has a cell phone. I look through my son's phone, as he is only 10, and discovered a text message sent to his dad's girlfriend that said: "I love you mom and dad". Now, mind you this lady has only been in his life for a year, and his dad has only been around for two. I get very upset hearing my son call her 'mom'. Am I wrong in feeling this is wrong?</div>
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Dear 'Feeling Wrong',</div>
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My answer, here, supersedes any prior advice I have given on this subject. I answered a similar question not long ago, and the feedback and discussion which followed my advice made me re-think my perspective.</div>
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One year hardly constitutes a girlfriend/boyfriend qualifying as a parent, step parent, or even parental figure. I believe it is inappropriate for your son to refer to your ex husband's girlfriend as "Mom." What if they break up? What if they never marry? I think even for a ten-year-old, calling two people 'Mom' is confusing (heck, I'm 40 and I won't call my mother-in-law 'Mom' as I already have a 'Mom' - but I also don't want to disrespect her, so I often just refer to my mother-in-law as: "Will you please pass the gravy?" or "Hey, do you know what time it is?" <i class="_4-k1 img sp_NEvEtUlpxxN sx_551ebe" style="background-image: url(https://fbstatic-a.akamaihd.net/rsrc.php/v2/yi/r/0md5QvUAw37.png); background-position: 0px -605px; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: auto; display: inline-block; height: 16px; vertical-align: -3px; width: 16px;"><u style="left: -999999px; position: absolute;">grin emoticon</u></i> ).</div>
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I have several questions the information in your question does not provide answers to, but at the end of the day I am going to go with the consensus and with what I learned on this topic: it is NOT OK for your son to call his father's girlfriend of one year 'Mom', and you should immediately put the kibosh on him doing so.</div>
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My wife comes from a blended family, and we have Grandma, Nana, and Mee-Maw. My advice is to have your son and ex and ex's girlfriend come up with a title which is more respectful than calling her by name, but more appropriate to her role (and, while I don't know your feelings on the subject, I will assert here that: "Daddy's ho" or anything of that nature will probably not fly - in fact, probably you should not vote on her title). <i class="_4-k1 img sp_NEvEtUlpxxN sx_a92f42" style="background-image: url(https://fbstatic-a.akamaihd.net/rsrc.php/v2/yi/r/0md5QvUAw37.png); background-position: 0px -877px; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: auto; display: inline-block; height: 16px; vertical-align: -3px; width: 16px;"><u style="left: -999999px; position: absolute;">wink emoticon</u></i></div>
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I do have to add that once you are married in May, so long as your spouse is acting as a parent to your son, I find it completely appropriate for your son to refer to your new husband as "pop" or "Dad (whatever your last initial is)". If one is in a committed long term relationship and their spouse/partner is acting as a parental figure, they have earned the right to the appropriate parent-implying title. Please keep us updated and let us know what happens.</div>
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I believe a name is just a name, except when it comes to a situation like this. I once advised someone that if someone acts as a parent, they deserve to be called as such, without taking into consideration that duration and longevity play a crucial role in what a child calls a parent's current flame where there is no long term commitment nor deserved role for such a title. Do any of you have any experience with what to call a step-someone-my-parent-is-dating who is not married, nor engaged/planned to be married nor in a long term committed relationship anytime soon?</div>
The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-22715977238735149382015-07-10T20:52:00.001-07:002015-07-10T20:52:31.424-07:00Dear Dad: The One With the 'New Big Sister'<div class="" data-reactid=".25.1.0.0.0.0.1:$mid=11435971781185=29940b9785e269a7c98.0.$1.0.$right.0.0.0" data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436485925610_8729" style="color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; zoom: 1;">
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Dear Dad,</div>
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I found out about six months ago that I have a half sister my mother had given up for adoption before I was born. The adoption agency contacted my mom (who had not told any of us we had a sister), and advised that she wanted to get in touch with us. We talked a bit and are friends on Facebook and finally we all met recently.</div>
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It is hard on my end because my mom is weird about it and doesn't really want to talk about the situation. When my sister came to visit, it fell to me to entertain her. My younger brother - who can do no wrong in my mom's eyes - is no help and I don't think cares about the situation as much as I do.</div>
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My sister and I now talk a few times a week on Facebook and just had a serious conversation where she confessed to me she does not feel like she belongs. I do not want her to feel that way, and I started a letter to her explaining how my mother is and how I sometimes feel like I don't belong, too (my brother is very much favored by my mother).</div>
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It has been a long road and I feel like I've completely changed since finding out I have a big sister. Do you have any advice?</div>
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Dear 'New Little Sister',</div>
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My mother discovered about ten years ago that her father was not her biological parent and had adopted her. We searched for years to find her biological family, and finally tracked them down using Facebook a few years back.</div>
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Last week my mother, sister, and I traveled to New Orleans, LA and finally got to meet her brothers and sister and their families. It was a life changing experience for all of us. I look like my uncle and my mom has the same hands as her sister! Everyone looked a bit like my brother (who my sister always joked looked like the milkman as he never looked like anyone in our family) and have the same laid back, loving demeanor as my mom! Meeting everyone was a little nerve wracking at first, but by the time we left, I was taken aback by how quickly these strangers felt like family - I felt connected to them and related to them and had a sense of family I had never before experienced.</div>
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I confess that during the visit a political subject or two came up that led me to believe we may not see eye to eye on everything. I felt a bit uncomfortable and worried that these differences in opinion would mean we could never truly fit in with each other, or be able to have conversations about certain things. I realized the feeling of kinship and intrinsic love I felt for these people was so much stronger than difference in perspective that none of that mattered. They are my blood, my kin, my family, and I would give the shirt off my back for any one of them and that is after only meeting once.</div>
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I understand the sense of not fitting in, and certainly the shock and amazement of discovering these roots, as you must have with your sister. Had my mother's father (my GRANDFATHER) been alive for this reunion, I imagine he would have experienced this gathering a bit differently than we all did as it would conjure up a lot of hard feelings from his past.</div>
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I would assume, based on the information in your question, that your mother may be a little embarrassed and have a lot of emotional baggage regarding an impossible decision she made years ago. I can only imagine that this carefully shrouded secret coming to light must have been a mixed bag of emotions. I know it is easier said than done, but try to look at this from her perspective and the difference between learning something amazing (albeit shocking) as you experienced, versus a secret coming to light that probably brings feelings of shame and guilt and devastation, as this situation must have for your mother.</div>
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My advice would be to approach your mother and let her know that you are not judging her or the decision she made many years ago (I'm assuming from your question you are not), and that you are just happy to know the truth and want to work as a family at building a relationship with your sister.</div>
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I think you should absolutely finish that letter to your sister, and describe and explain your family and specifically your relationship with your mom to your sister. Let her know that there are preexisting dynamics within your family that are not about her, even if she is made to feel uncomfortable or feels responsible for the tension she is sensing. I would explain that neither the past, nor any member of your family/their experience should ever have anything to do with your connection as sisters. Tell your sister you are glad she is in your life and how much it means to you and how much you have changed after learning of her existence.</div>
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In time, the two of you can become a united front when your "perfect" brother says or does something amiss and the two of you can put him in his place as all good big sisters do!</div>
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I wish you and your newly extended family all the best! Keep us updated!</div>
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Facebook and social media is such an invaluable tool for communication, and I know firsthand how it can literally change your life. Do any of you have any stories about reconnecting with or finding family and friends thanks to Facebook?</div>
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The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-1540787092419924942015-06-21T20:03:00.000-07:002015-06-21T20:03:54.711-07:00The One With the Surfing Metaphor<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, 'lucida grande', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.466667175293px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
Dear Dad,</div>
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What do you do when you feel like your world is falling to pieces?</div>
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Dear 'Pieces',</div>
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I think everyone at one time or another feels like their world is falling apart - whether it be due to work, school, relationships, health issues, and so on. Sometimes life feels like everything is going wrong, and that is typically when one gets that extra kick when they are down.</div>
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I am going to share with you the advice I give my children when they are going through a period where they feel like their world is falling apart - and yes, even 11 year old and 7 year old children feel like this from time to time. I try to follow this advice when I'm going through something myself, but sometimes one forgets: Life is a lot like surfing; sometimes, the waters will be calm with not a lot of action to be had, while other times the waters will be rough and try to push you down. The key to a balanced and healthy life is to learn to balance and stay up on that board and to remember that the rough waters will eventually calm. The more skilled one becomes, the more one can soar during the rockiest of tides. Those who stay on the board during all conditions and remember this advice can accomplish anything and weather any storm. Now that it is in writing, I'll be sure to take my own advice the next time I'm in a situation that makes me feel like my world is falling to pieces.</div>
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I don't know what is specifically going on in your life, 'pieces', but take a deep breath and remember this, too, shall pass.</div>
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Readers: what do you do when your world feels like it is falling to pieces?</div>
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The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-45401052040939145272015-06-15T23:36:00.000-07:002015-06-15T23:36:44.142-07:00The One With the Diary and the 'Seriously Angry Dad'<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.466667175293px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">Dear
Dad,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">My
wife's cousin is staying with us for a few weeks. She is the type of woman who
is very know-it-all and judgmental, even though she is single, has no
responsibilities in the world, and doesn't have a clue what it is to be a
parent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">She
told me this morning that she went into my 12-year-old daughter's diary to see
why she is acting so "sad" during this visit, and read about a lot of
problems going on at school. I told her I couldn't believe she broke my
daughter's trust (she is staying in my daughter's room). She told me I should
be grateful that she took the time to learn about the problems (normal 12 year
old stuff) so I can help my daughter fix them. I was really pissed about this,
so I confronted my wife. My wife said that is just who her cousin is and
to grin and bear it through the rest of her visit. People joke that my wife
wears the pants in the family because I am a stay at home parent. Grin and bear it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">So,
my question is: when is it ever acceptable to invade a child's privacy, and do
you think I should just "grin and bear it?" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">Signed,
Angry Dad<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">Dear
'Angry Dad',<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">I
have to admit I find myself a bit upset (and my skin is crawling) from just
reading your question. Your wife's cousin did not just blatantly disrespect
your daughter, but she sent you a very direct message that she has no respect
for you. How dare her enter your home and try to tell you anything other than
'thank you' for sparing her from paying the cost of a motel/hotel?
Unfathomable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">My
advice is to have a discussion with your wife immediately and make it clear
that you can grin and bear through know-it-all statements and judgmental
actions if you have to (and are willing to), but you are putting your foot down
when it comes to boundaries being crossed and being disrespected in your own
home. Please don't ever let anyone tell you that because you are a stay-at-home
father, you are not entitled to half the decision making in your home, and to
basic respect from anyone who enters your home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">I
would make it very clear to your wife that you are appalled and are not going
to back down because what her cousin did is reprehensible. I would politely
advise this cousin (as a united front with your wife after your discussion)
that if she does anything like this again, you will be more than happy to help
transport her things to the aforementioned motel. If your wife does not agree
with you, or continues to dismiss this, I think a session or more of couple's
therapy may be in order.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">I
believe that our children are due their fair share of privacy. I do not believe
acting a little sad or showing some moodiness is justification to snoop into
their personal belongings. As parents, we need for our children to have a sense
of trust and for our children to have their own sense of boundaries and selves.
If you snoop through a diary completely unwarranted - something I can not
process your wife did not get upset about - what message is that sending your
preteen daughter?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">I do
believe that text messages and anything involving social media is fair game
when it comes to privacy - if you are going to allow your children to use those
platforms (and I must say, I think 12 is still far too young), you have the
right to snoop<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><b><i>any</i></b><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>time. The difference is that you make
it clear that it is fair game and you aren't betraying her by checking in on
her. I believe if you suspect any type of drug use or if your child starts to
exhibit extreme warning signs (acting depressed, extreme mood changes, getting
in trouble a lot, etc.), only<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><b><i>then</i></b><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>would reading a diary be appropriate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">I
wish you luck in resolving this, as I believe there is more than one issue at
hand here. If your family has agreed that having you stay at home works best,
the position better be respected for what it is. If your wife is going to allow
her cousin to blatantly disrespect and undermine you even after you advise her
of your thoughts/feelings on the situation then a good therapist may be the
step to untangle this knot in your nest. Sending you good thoughts and energy.
Please keep us updated!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">There
is a fine line as parents when it comes to respecting privacy and knowing when
to get to the bottom of what is going on with our children. When do you think
it is acceptable to snoop into their personal space to gauge what is going on
in their too often private lives?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-83433977509036282852015-06-08T22:04:00.000-07:002015-06-08T22:04:06.263-07:00The one with the girlfriend called 'Mom'<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dear Dad,</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="yiv3052002821" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2613" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;">M</span><span class="yiv3052002821" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2337" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;">y ex husband and I have been separated for 6 years and divorced for 1 year. We have both moved on as he is with another girl and I'm getting remarried in July. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2624" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My oldest son now has a cell phone. I look through my son's phone, as he is only 10, and recently discovered a text message sent to his dad's girlfriend that said: "I love you mom and dad." Now, mind you, this lady has only been in his life for a year, and his dad has only been back in my son's life for two years. I get very upset hearing my son call her 'mom'. I don't want to start a boxing match, but I am really upset. Am I wrong in feeling this is wrong?</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dear 'Feeling Wrong',</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2495" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My answer here supersedes any prior advice I have given on this subject. I answered a similar question not long ago on the blog, and the feedback which followed my advice made me re-think the subject. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2496" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">One year hardly constitutes a girlfriend/boyfriend qualifying as a parent, step parent, or even parental figure. I believe it is inappropriate for your son to refer to your ex husband's girlfriend of one year as 'Mom'. What if they break up? I think for a ten-year-old, calling two people 'Mom' is confusing (heck, I'm 40 and I won't call my mother-in-law 'Mom' as I already have a Mom - but I also don't want to disrespect her, so I often just refer to my mother-in-law as: "Will you please pass the gravy?", or "Hey, can I help you with that bag?" ). </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;">I wish I had more information about your specific situation to most appropriately give you advice (what does he refer to your fiance as?). Based on the details you provided and my experience answering questions of this nature - it is <b><i>not acceptable </i></b>for your son to call his father's girlfriend of one year 'Mom', and you should immediately put the kibosh on him doing so. </span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;">My advice is to have your son and ex and ex's girlfriend come up with a title which is more respectful than calling her by name, but more appropriate to her role (and, while I don't know your specific feelings about your ex's girlfriend, I suggest that you should <i><b>probably not</b></i> vote on her new title). </span><span style="color: #141823; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;">I would bridge this subject with a sense of camaraderie and in the least combative way possible. This is an opportune time for you all to act as the partners you will be in raising your children in your new blended family. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_4094" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I would like to add that once you are married in July, so long as your spouse is acting as a parent to your son, I find it completely appropriate for your son to refer to your new husband as 'Pop', or "Dad (whatever your last initial is)." If one is in a committed long term relationship and their spouse/partner is acting as a parental figure, they have earned the right to the appropriate parent-implying title. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2246">
<span class="yiv3052002821" id="yiv3052002821yui_3_16_0_1_1425610434041_2759" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I believe a name is just a name, except when it comes to a situation like this. I once advised someone that if someone acts as a parent, they deserve to be called as such, without taking into consideration that duration and longevity play a crucial role in what a child calls a parent's current flame where there is no long term commitment to warrant such a title. Do any of you have any experience with what to call a someone-a-parent-is-dating, who is not married, nor engaged/planned to be married, nor in a long term committed relationship anytime soon? </span></span></div>
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The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-90850471205923701162015-05-26T20:14:00.000-07:002015-05-26T20:37:35.583-07:00The one with the ice cream<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, 'lucida grande', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.466667175293px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
<span style="line-height: 21.466667175293px;">Dear Dad,</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, 'lucida grande', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.466667175293px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
I need some advice, especially since I don't want to end up in an insane asylum. I have 2 daughters, age 13 and six, and of course they do not get along. My husband just started a job that leaves me alone with them in the evening. I'm very pregnant and have no energy to deal with their bickering. I don't want to complain to my husband, because it just stresses him out more while he's at work. I just spent the past 10 minutes screaming at them to stop fighting and now I have a headache, which makes me even crankier. The kids don't dare act out to this extent when my husband is home. I wouldn't say I'm a pushover, but they seem to think I am. Honestly, I rarely give in. Part of it is because my oldest had behavior issues and was always the one getting in trouble. My youngest grew up seeing this and eventually learned how to keep getting her in trouble. Even though this is no longer the case, the youngest keeps trying her hardest to get the oldest in trouble, but it just gets her in trouble. I don't want to dread him going to work. I need this to change NOW, before the new baby comes in July.</div>
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Dear 'Very Pregnant',</div>
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The good news is by the time your new addition is six and temperamental, your oldest will be 19. Silver linings are always a good thing. </div>
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My wife and I were just discussing our children's meltdowns, and how they seem to all take turns being out of control, and how our "middle child" (by 2 minutes) has mastered the art of getting her sisters in trouble. She also has a tendency of trying to get everyone to do everything for her (her new thing is getting her sisters to put on her socks). We get frustrated and I can certainly relate to your headache. Parenting can be an extremely tough job at times.</div>
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My advice is to have a discussion with your husband and advise him of what is going on while he is away at work. I believe it is important for the two of you to be on the same page and for him to be aware of what is going on. I wouldn't turn to him asking him to fix it, but have him read this post so he can be part of the solution. I think you should sit down as a united front and have a family meeting where you advise your children that this behavior will not be tolerated and that good behavior must be consistent whether dad is around or not. I think you may need to physically separate the children when they act up. I would give them books to read and disallow any other activities (no playing, no television, no computer, etc.). This is the latest method of discipline we have come to, and it seems to be working.</div>
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In our family, we have a "R-E-S-P-E-C-T system" in place (that I'm proud to say our oldest daughter developed from our old 'point system'). Each day, the girls have to earn a letter via good behavior and they have "three strikes" before they lose that day's letter. Sunday they earn the 'R' the following Saturday they earn the 'T', etc. If they earn at least five letters of the word 'respect' during the week, they are rewarded with ice cream for dessert the following Sunday. If they earn the entire word 'respect', they get to put toppings on the sundae and receive a double scoop. This not only serves as positive reinforcement for the girls, but also helps us curb their asking for dessert every night. If they do something like hit each other, or perform a blatant act of disrespect, it is automatic "three strikes you are out," and they are sent to their rooms with only a book, no letter for the day (please note: reading is certainly not punishment, but this is a great way to help your child redirect, regroup and calm down).</div>
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Give it a whirl for a month and see if you can get your girls to change/improve their behavior. I would also ask them if something is going on at school or with their friends. Sometimes kids act out as a way of communicating to us that all is not well in their often stressful and hectic worlds (and we often forget as parents how stressful and hectic childhood can actually be). Good luck and keep us updated!</div>
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Every family has a different means of discipline as their go-to for dealing with children when they are defiant. What method of discipline works for your family? </div>
The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-34657449049994683212015-05-23T20:34:00.000-07:002015-05-24T12:54:25.489-07:00The one with the sleepwalker<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, 'lucida grande', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.466667175293px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">
Dear Dad,</div>
<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">
My six year old son has been a stress case lately. He whines continuously from the minute he wakes up until he is asleep. He is now waking up at night. When he wakes up he immediately hops out of bed and starts yelling for me, but I can tell he isn't fully awake. When I go to see what's the matter he mumbles and acts all confused while wandering the house and looking in cupboards and going in and out of rooms and such while whining and crying. When he is fully awake, he just sits and cries and tells me he just wants to sleep and "can't deal with this any more." This happened multiple times every night for about 2 weeks now. I am going in and talking to his teacher tomorrow to see if anything is going on at school that could be causing his stress. I will also make an appointment with his doctor. I just wanted to ask you what you think as I have had many sleepless nights.</div>
<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">
<span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">
<span style="text-align: center;">Dear 'Sleepless',</span></div>
<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">
I can say, with fair probability, that your son whines all day because he is sleep deprived. Aside from that, it is difficult for me to answer your question with a definitive answer. I have a B.A. in Psychology, which in no way qualifies me to make any type of medical or psychological opinion as to what is going on. I think your plan to meet with your son's teacher and your son's doctor is spot-on. They will be a wealth of knowledge in helping you decipher exactly what is going on with him.</div>
<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">
In the meantime, as a parent of an occasional sleepwalker, I will advise you I strongly suspect your son is also a sleepwalker and may have a mild form of "night terrors" (though I also suspect this is caused by the exhaustion based on the pattern you described). One of our twins wakes up from time to time in a similar fashion, and will hold entire conversations that she will not remember the next day. I have more than once found my daughter sitting in awkward positions in random rooms in our house (and once when my wife and I were watching a horror film about ghost-kids emerging from <a class="pxInta" data-mce-href="http://deardadadvicecolumn.blogspot.com/#" href="http://deardadadvicecolumn.blogspot.com/#" id="PXLINK_4_0_3">television sets</a> with their bodies creepily contorted). I admit it was very scary before we knew what was going on (and also a little funny when my wife tells the story of how I screamed at the top of my lungs when I found my daughter, assuming she was an embodiment from the horror film).</div>
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<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">
My advice is to treat your son as though he is asleep no matter what he is saying or doing (because I suspect he may be). Gently guide him back to his bed and do not make eye contact with him, nor should you engage in conversations with him. Gently repeat: "shh, shh, shh" to him and lay him back in bed and re-tuck him in. Rub his back for a couple of minutes repeating "shh, shh, shh," and then say: "you are safe, goodnight, I love you." You should then, with ninja-like mobility, contort your body as needed to back out of the room without creaking a floor board or so much as making a sound, and return to the haven of your warm and cozy bed, even if only for another hour or two.</div>
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I would take extra measures to ensure his safety: make sure all <a class="pxInta" data-mce-href="http://deardadadvicecolumn.blogspot.com/#" href="http://deardadadvicecolumn.blogspot.com/#" id="PXLINK_1_0_0">windows and doors</a> are locked, all child proof locks are enabled, and double check to make sure nothing is left out that could lead to harm in any way (are the dishwasher and pantry doors locked?). He is not aware, but is mobile, and that is a frightening concept while you are sleeping - even if he knows the rules of your home, they will not apply to him in this physical state.</div>
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Follow up with his teacher and doctor to see if there are any underlying causes for this behavior. Once you get over the shock and the fear of what may seem like odd behavior, you will be able to deal with these late night occurrences like they are part of the <a class="pxInta" data-mce-href="http://deardadadvicecolumn.blogspot.com/#" href="http://deardadadvicecolumn.blogspot.com/#" id="PXLINK_6_0_5">bed time</a> ritual.</div>
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Please be advised, 'Sleepless', this, too, shall pass. We haven't had an "episode" in a long while, and our daughter is now six years old as well. I am sending good thoughts and energy to you and your family. Please keep us updated.</div>
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Sleep is a major issue in our household. I have been a night owl since I was a preteen and have difficulty falling asleep, while my wife has been diagnosed with narcolepsy and <a class="pxInta" data-mce-href="http://deardadadvicecolumn.blogspot.com/#" href="http://deardadadvicecolumn.blogspot.com/#" id="PXLINK_3_0_2">sleep apnea</a>. Two of our daughters seem to be taking after me having difficulty falling asleep, while my sleepwalker can fall asleep sitting up, mid-sentence. This makes me wonder: how many other families have sleep issues, and what do you do to help keep things running like a smooth sailing ship?</div>
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The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-86437914797020414422015-04-12T19:15:00.000-07:002015-04-13T20:20:19.316-07:00The one with the big lie and the fried brain (with a side of bacon and hashbrowns)<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, 'lucida grande', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.466667175293px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Dear Dad,</div>
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My partner and I have 2 boys, ages 14 and 8, and we have been together since college. We have been watching (a current show about drug addiction and crime), and it got us to thinking about how to address the subject of drugs with our kids. We both smoked pot in college (he still does on occasion, but I don't now because I just overeat junk and fall asleep). My partner tried mushrooms a couple of times in college, and I think he dropped acid once or twice, but I mostly stayed out of anything beyond drinking and pot. Drugs are something we experimented with, but neither of us ever developed a problem.</div>
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I honestly don't know what to tell my boys about drugs, especially my 14 year old who has always rebelled against most things. I worry he is at that age, and with his personality where he may have gone or could go next. Should we confront him about drugs and ask if he has tried them, and how should we tell him that they could destroy his life? Should he watch (the show) with us? Help!</div>
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Dear 'Smoked Pot In College',</div>
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This salutation is addressing you based on your question, and is not in any way announcing anything about myself, nor anyone I know. I was a Nirvana-loving-phish-show-attending-birk-patchouli-wearing-long-haired-goateed-admirer-of-the-hippy-generation type of gen x-er. I don't have anything more to say on that - I was simply addressing you, 'Smoked Pot In College', and was in no way making a personal statement or announcement.</div>
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When I first read your question, I thought since I have young kids (ages 10 and 6), I don't have enough experience to answer this question. I realized after I thought about the subject for a bit, that my kids are exactly the age to talk about drugs, as are your children. I have warned my children about "Strawberry Quick" and Flakka when I learned about them (google the terms if you are not familiar - terrifying), but I haven't really gotten into specifics about drugs.</div>
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I was raised to "just say no" and with knowledge of "the big lie" and the image of a brain on drugs (with a side of bacon and hashbrowns - shows how seriously that was taken by my generation). I think based on your (and my) experience in college, it suffices to say that approach to curb drug use was ineffective. How can one who has experimented with drugs tell their children to just say no, especially when the odds are the conversation will most likely not help?</div>
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My advice, 'Smoked Pot in College', is to tell your children the truth about drugs, and from a young age, so long as the information you are sharing is age appropriate. Let your children know that a lot of their peers are going to experiment with drugs, and are going to try to pressure them into using drugs. <span style="line-height: 21.466667175293px;">I think it is imperative to empower our children with the truth about what drugs can physically and psychologically do to a person. We need to help our children understand that there are other ways to conform and fit in that don't involve risking their lives and their health.</span></div>
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I don't know that I'm going to tell my children to "just say no," but I am certainly going to tell them that if they try heroin <i><b>once</b></i> they have set themselves up for certain disaster, and that if they try quick or flakka (as younger and younger kids are), they could <i><b>die the very first time they try it</b></i>. I will advise my children that mixing alcohol with pills can kill them, and that addiction will end every dream they ever had for themselves. I will warn that every person is at risk for addiction and ask my girls if they think it is worth the gamble to "fit in" for a time in their lives that will only last a few years.</div>
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When we were in college, a lot of people smoked pot. The main issue for our children is the "first time/gateway drug" marijuana is being <b>replaced </b>with frightening hard drugs like heroin, meth, and designer street drugs. We need something more effective than just saying no because the world our children are growing up in is far scarier and dangerous than the one we grew up in.<br />
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The truth (with images and examples) of how horrific and destructive drugs and addiction can be is the only source powerful enough to teach our children to make smart choices when we are not there to help them make these decisions for themselves. The only time we are going to be powerful enough to combat the incredible force of peer pressure and sense of curiosity is when they are still young enough to truly listen to us. We need to talk to our children as soon as possible about drugs.<br />
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<span style="line-height: 21.466667175293px;">I think 14 is old enough to allow your son to watch the show with you (it is on network TV). Perhaps the images depicted in the show will be powerful enough to curb him from trying something down the road because he will be informed of the real repercussions of what can happen if he says yes to whatever is presented to him. I would advise him that he is in a safe place during this discussion, and encourage him to advise you of any exposure he has had to drug use (whether it be his own use or friend's use). Promise him (and stick to it) that there will not be any consequence to his honesty so you can start a dialogue about a critical subject.</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 21.466667175293px;">I think my children are a tad too young to be exposed to the images presented in (that show), but I definitely think a defined and structured talk with them about drugs is in order immediately. Thank you for submitting this question and getting me to focus on a critical subject that requires action<i><b> today</b></i>.</span></div>
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There was a stigma when I was growing up that the drug crisis our country faced (and continues to face) was linked to socioeconomic status, or was only a problem in big cities. Four years at a private New England college (where NOT experimenting with drugs was deviant in my experience), I have learned firsthand people from all walks of life and different backgrounds experiment with, dabble in, or regularly use drugs. </div>
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Why do you think we continue to make the issue of drugs about class or race? What methods are you going to use to inform and arm your children in the world of drugs that will undoubtedly surround them when you are not there to protect them?</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKOdfNkk_UUScJ0BRSTS0gUCkOWByBpEuGKOy9q69UeduN2drb8eGn4OKA-xh8g3N9dImMjKtgfs88oacW8iz-g3RSEnj2oNBbVAzGmHq6oVYsHLpBdMIKk4WTBMxVJFWpgsahS6K6N4tV/s1600/drugs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKOdfNkk_UUScJ0BRSTS0gUCkOWByBpEuGKOy9q69UeduN2drb8eGn4OKA-xh8g3N9dImMjKtgfs88oacW8iz-g3RSEnj2oNBbVAzGmHq6oVYsHLpBdMIKk4WTBMxVJFWpgsahS6K6N4tV/s1600/drugs.jpg" height="218" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>On my way to Woodstock '94 - proud to say 100% drug and alcohol free (that weekend) </i></span></div>
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The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-2746327060987842422015-03-02T20:07:00.000-08:002015-03-03T11:50:08.803-08:00The one with the mom who is 'stuck', but wants more kids<div id="yiv0585221489yui_3_16_0_1_1424982491131_4275" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span class="yiv0585221489" id="yiv0585221489yui_3_16_0_1_1424982491131_4280" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Dear Dad,</span></div>
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<span class="yiv0585221489" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br clear="none" /></span></div>
<div id="yiv0585221489yui_3_16_0_1_1424982491131_4275" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span class="yiv0585221489" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_4423" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">How do I make my husband realize that he is a great dad? We were high school sweethearts and got married shortly after graduating. He had told me that he didn't want to be a dad. His dad and his much older brother had both abandoned their families after divorce and have nothing to do with the kids from their previous marriages. He thinks that he will be the same, I think. I told him before we got married that I was going to be a mother and he needed to know that before he married me. I waited over 6 yrs and then told him that I was going off my birth control. It took 18 months but I finally got pregnant with our daughter. She is now 4. My husband is a great Dad. He is very active with her and he helps me out with dinner or her bath or whatever I ask for. They ride bikes together and play video games together and he is teaching her how to shoot. The problem is that they are exactly alike and both stubborn. She knows just what buttons to push and he gets frustrated with her. He is a little more strict than I am, so he gets her stubborn side a little more than I do, and she is very much a mommy's girl. She always wants to hold my hand and sit in my lap instead of his. He thinks that this makes him a bad dad. </span></div>
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<span class="yiv0585221489" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div>
<div id="yiv0585221489yui_3_16_0_1_1424982491131_4275" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span class="yiv0585221489" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_4591" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">The biggest issue is that he refuses to agree to a second child because of his normal reactions to this child. He hates that he gets so angry with her. He always handles it well and does his best to teach her even when he is angry but sometimes he has to yell and then walk away. I've tried to tell him that this is part of being a parent and reassure him that he is great but it just doesn't stick. There are very few things that I want more than another child. My marriage is one. We are in a bit of a lose/lose situation right now and I am stuck. If he says OK and we have another child and he is stressed out more, I think he will end up resenting me for it, but if I give up and say never mind, am I going to resent him? I love him more than anything else and I hate that this is coming between us. Is there a good solution to this that I'm not seeing right now? I could use an outside opinion.</span></div>
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<span class="yiv0585221489" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="yiv0585221489" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_4775" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Dear 'Stuck',</span></div>
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<span class="yiv0585221489" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yiv0585221489yui_3_16_0_1_1424982491131_4275" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span class="yiv0585221489" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_5190" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I love synchronicity. <span style="background-color: white;"> I </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">just finished editing a chapter of the </span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">manuscript I've been working on in which I describe my first days as a stay-at-home dad with my oldest daughter <b><i>literally</i></b></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_6750"><span style="font-style: italic;"><b> </b></span>moments </span>before I read your question</span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">In the chapter, I flash back to when my wife and I met at age 19, and how we both swore we were very anti-traditional and would never marry (not just each other, but anyone), and certainly would </span><i id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_5989" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold;">never</i><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> have children. We are both the products of broken homes with marriages that did not end well, and found the concept of parenthood "limiting." I recall within the chapter the extraordinary terror I felt taking care of a fragile and delicate human being, while completely clueless to what I was doing and endlessly searching for the "instructions on how to parent." I remember the unimaginable self-critic I was regarding every single thing I did "wrong," or at less than 100%. Your question made me re-conjure those images in my mind in my attempt to empathize and relate to where your husband is coming from. </span></div>
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<span class="yiv0585221489" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yiv0585221489yui_3_16_0_1_1424982491131_4275" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span class="yiv0585221489" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_5879" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I realize, 'Stuck', that your husband is not in any position I've ever been in. If you waited 6 years before having children, you are not a "young" couple as my wife and I were when we proclaimed our disdain for a traditional life. If your child is four years old, your husband is a seasoned enough parent to not be wet behind the ears, and simply lacking confidence. My guess is that your husband feels he already compromised six years into your marriage, and in his opinion there is 'no room at the inn' for another child. </span></div>
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<span class="yiv0585221489" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yiv0585221489yui_3_16_0_1_1424982491131_4275" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span class="yiv0585221489" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_5878" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">My advice, 'Stuck', is to seek out marriage counseling. The solution here is not to figure out a way to convince your husband to have another child, nor is it to just figure out how to get him to understand he is a good father. I think he has made it clear where he stands. I know more than one family that was in your situation, and the addition of another child did not fix anything, but led to the complete and utter destruction of the marriage and family. </span></div>
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<span class="yiv0585221489" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yiv0585221489yui_3_16_0_1_1424982491131_4275" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span class="yiv0585221489" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_6460" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Your husband does need to understand that he is a good father and truly process that he is <i style="font-weight: bold;">not</i> his father <i><b>nor</b></i> his brother in order for him to truly enjoy his relationship with your daughter and not be endlessly worrying about failing her or letting her down. Perhaps once he addresses this in a therapeutic setting he will, much down the road, change his mind about wanting another child. I think you will benefit as well, because if having another child is of critical importance to you, you have a lot to explore for yourself regarding the issue of having more children and your husband's current stance. </span></div>
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<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yiv0585221489yui_3_16_0_1_1424982491131_4275" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span class="yiv0585221489" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_7491" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">In a perfect world, my wife would not have had heart failure, we would not be in our early 40's already, and we would not be prone to multiple births. I would love to have<i id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_7851"><b id="yui_3_16_0_1_1425266950732_7850"> one </b></i>more child. Every time I talk about wanting one more child, my wife gives me the "no room at the inn" look. Deep down, I know my wife is correct and that we are done having kids; but, the stay-at-home dad part of me wants this time in my life to keep going. My children are aging me out of my chosen profession! I can relate to how you feel, 'Stuck', and am sending you good thoughts and energy. Please keep us updated. </span></div>
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The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-79962817208682449962015-03-01T01:21:00.000-08:002015-03-01T01:21:52.153-08:00The one with the creative soul sister<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Dear Dad,</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I've really been feeling pretty unfulfilled lately, and not in a "my husband doesn't love me enough" way. It is more like I just feel like I should be doing something, anything more creative. I'm having a hard time deciding what that is. I used to be a tattoo artist, and absolutely loved my job. I stopped doing it because the hours and times were wa</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">y too much, and I never saw my little one (not to mention the guilt trips from my mother on never being around). </span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I now work 2 jobs, one outside the home as a part time cake decorator/part time grocery associate, and another at-home dispatch job the other 3 days. I'm also taking care of 2 kids, and making dinner every night for my family, and being the primary cleaning person as well. My husband does help, maybe not as much as I'd like, but he does help. </span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">My problem lies in feeling like I have no time to try to be creative in the first place. I would love to be able to maybe make it where I only work 2 days out of my home (the 2 days a week I'm actually "allowed" to do my cake decorating at work) and spend some time making things to sell in an Etsy store or something, but we can't afford to take the monetary hit while waiting to see if it gets off the ground. Then there's the issue of buying supplies for something that may or may not work out. It feel like as much of a gamble as doing at home sales like Avon or Scentsy (no offense to anyone that's done it, I myself sold Avon for about a year). I keep seeing all these things online that people are making and selling and making good money off of them, but I'm so nervous about doing it. I've also thought about trying to go back to school since I never went to college, but everything that I could see myself being happy doing for the rest of my life doesn't seem reasonable. </span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I can't justify possibly putting my family into debt to go to school for something that may or may not be lucrative when I'm done, and I'm feeling really lost right now. I feel like I've lost my creativity somewhere with being a mom and a wife (it probably ran off with my sanity, ha!). It is just really a bummer and I'm not sure what to do or where to go from here. [stomps foot and flails arms a la threenager style] I just wanna make pretty things and get paid for it!<br /><br />Sooo..any advice?<br /><br />Dear 'Creative Soul Sister',<br /><br />There is a lot going on in your question, but I believe there is a common theme: you are a very creative person desperately in need of "me" time. I, like you, don't create because I want to - I create because I <i><b>have</b></i> to. I have been an aspiring artist my entire life - as an actor, as a singer/songwriter, as a chef, and ultimately as a writer (and I knew precociously this was how my path would unfold).<br /><br />I experienced a creative pressure build-up within my soul similar to yours several years back. I had shelved my music aspirations to tend to my family after my twins were born and my wife had congestive heart failure. I was taking care of three kids all day, going to work at a call center at night, and then covering the night shift with the twins when I got home at two a.m., only to awake at 6:00 a.m. to start it all again. After burning the candle at both ends for nearly two years, I had a creative (and psychological) snap. I <i><b>had</b></i> to have "me" time - even if it meant taking time from my other responsibilities. My wife was given a clean bill of health, and the two of us had a long talk and agreed that we both need "me" time. I would have from when I got home from work on weekends until whenever I went to sleep, and she would wake up with the girls. I would then let her have a few hours in the afternoon - to sleep, watch movies, read, or go out with her friends. This arrangement has worked wonders for us both individually and for our marriage.<br /><br />My advice, 'Creative', is to have a discussion with your husband and figure out a similar arrangement. You need time for yourself each week to let your creative juices flow - in whatever format you choose. You could take up tattooing on the side, or expand your cake decorating into a private business. I think the key struggle for you (assuming your husband sees what he will gain by agreeing to this), is to NOT feel guilty for taking that time for yourself. I suggest you create a blog (it is free), and then a related Facebook page (also free). Start posting pictures of your cakes and your tattoo art and "blog" about it. Perhaps it could lead to something that is a paid gig? At minimum, you are going to have a "canvas" on which you can express yourself, get some feedback and validation - and perhaps a second chance at a creative career.<br /><br />Please feel free to email me at the address you submitted your question if you need help setting things up. Best of luck to you - and be sure to share your blog and Facebook page links here if you decide to take that route!<br /><br />A lot of couples struggle with work/life balance and division of labor, and I believe most forget to incorporate "me" time. I can personally attest to the fact that giving a few hours when I can is certainly worth the few hours I receive. Do you have "me" time incorporated in your schedule?</span>The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-45577539825741012332015-03-01T01:07:00.001-08:002015-03-01T01:07:42.560-08:00The one with the discipline trend<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Dear Dad,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Is it ever OK to discipline someone else's child? Physically redirecting? Time outs? Verbally? </span><a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"tn":"*N","type":104}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/whatstrending" saprocessedanchor="true" style="background-color: white; color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-decoration: none;">#WhatsTrending</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">??</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Dear 'Trending',</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I know 'discipline' is a touchy subject, but I make no secret or apology for my stance on the physical discipline of children. I believe spanking is wrong and borders on abuse. If one has to resort to spanking their children, the p</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">erson who is out of control is not the child, but the parent who should put themselves in time-out instead of lashing out at an innocent <i><b>victim</b></i>.<br /><br />Having gone through the tyrannical threes and the frustrating time of toddler-hood with three children, I have changed my view to understand that an occasional swat (two fingers to the hand or tush while kneeling so the parent is at eye-level with the child accompanied with a firm and loudly stated, "NO!") is acceptable. When your child runs into the street or tries to stick a fork in an electrical outlet, sometimes it takes more than a "time out" or a redirection. I heard about those two situations from a friend. <i class="_4-k1 img sp_x2Btx44FsW7 sx_7a97ef" style="background-image: url(https://fbstatic-a.akamaihd.net/rsrc.php/v2/yD/r/xgwo-eWAV_-.png); background-position: -595px -377px; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: auto; display: inline-block; height: 16px; vertical-align: -3px; width: 16px;"><u style="display: inline !important; left: -999999px; position: absolute;">grin emoticon</u></i><br /><br />In order to answer your question, I tried to think of a situation where someone was to physically redirect, or physically <i><b>anything</b></i> my children, and even as the pacifist that I am, "papa bear" would come out roaring and physically redirect any person who dared lay a finger on my kids! It is <u>never</u> OK to physically touch any child that is not yours -<u>ever</u>!<br /><br />I have spent more than 2,920 days at the community park with my three girls. I would gander that on 2,918 of those days "Scrolly McScrollerson" was at the park, too - the mom or dad who forgot they were at the park with their children and were so engrossed in their phones and Facebook news-feeds, that he or she "was not aware" that his or her child was throwing rocks at other kids, pulling their hair, spitting on them, using inappropriate language, etc.<br /><br />I share with you, 'Trending', my three strikes rule for this situation: strike one - I approach said child and say, "that is inappropriate behavior, do not continue or I'm telling your (mom/dad)!"'; strike two - I physically redirect my own children and say (LOUDLY): "you can't play with that child anymore because he/she is acting inappropriately, and no one is directing them!"; strike three: I go to "Scrolly McScrollerson" and directly say: "I realize that what one of your friend's ate for lunch is more important than your role as parent, but your child is out of control and making for an uninhabitable play space. Please redirect <i><b>your </b></i>behavior and do your job so we can all get along in a safe and appropriate fashion!" Ten out of the ten times I had to resort to 'strike three', other parents in the park applauded me and expressed their consensus about my take on "Scrolly." I believe the three strikes rules are the most appropriate way to handle the situation.<br /><br />I admit that my 2,920 days at the park were a while back, and I miss the time when my kids were so young; more, I even miss the respite and solace I found while relating (or sometimes commiserating) with other parents at our shared haven. What's trending folks? Is my answer still the appropriate way to handle things with the toddler gone wild, while their Scrolly McScrollerson parent "doesn't see" the havoc being wreaked?</span>The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-37421428813553139822015-03-01T00:00:00.001-08:002015-03-01T00:00:12.584-08:00The one with the 'not selfish' former stay-at-home mom<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Dear Dad, </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I was a stay at home mom for 10 years before choosing to go back to work last August. I walked into the perfect job for me, I got paid to do something that I 100% loved. I loved every moment of being at work so much, I started taking on any extra hours that I could. I was covering for other people when I could. I was the first person with my hand up when the company asked for vo</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">lunteers. I loved being at work and loved the way it made me feel. The people I worked with didn't know me as 'Mom', and they didn't care if I forgot to pay the water bill. I found a new part of myself - a piece I had been missing for a long time. I made friendships with people who didn't even have kids and ate lunch with people who respected me.<br /><br />Nobody ever respected me as a stay-at-home mom. I was just the person who didn't work or was "too lazy to work." At my job, people looked at me differently and treated me differently. I would come home from work late because I did anything I could to work later. When I would get home I would be slapped in the face with reality! My house would be trashed, the kids would be hungry, and nobody would have clean clothes for the next day. Every one of my "at-home-mom" duties were just waiting for me. I would do what I could, but I had to be up at 4 am for work the next day. My husband offered no help whatsoever, but was more than happy to take my pay check to pay bills with.<br /><br />So due to a medical emergency with my daughter, I had to leave work. My boss decided to temporarily lay me off for 2 months so I could handle things with my daughter and still keep my job. During my time off a few things happened: report cards came home and my absence showed up in their fallen grades; my oldest child was getting into trouble every day and nobody knew it and I got the "are you sure you care" talk from his teachers; I found out that because of the extra income I would lose the state's help with health insurance for my kids. You have to work for a year to eligible for insurance with the company I work for, and my husband's job had very expensive insurance.</span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />So here is my problem: it is time to return to work and I don't know what to do. A very selfish part of me wants to go back so bad, but the mother in me says "You can't do that to your kids again and your kids can't be without health insurance." My husband is only thinking of the extra money and thinks that I just don't want to work. I do, trust me, I do, but I can't come home every day to my life a mess and my kids being without health insurance and my kids failing in school because nobody is helping them. Do you have any advice?<br /><br />Dear 'Not Selfish':<br /><br />I think it is safe to say your issue is understood and experienced by me and millions of other stay-at-home moms and dads - past, current, and future. Stay-at-home parents have one of the most difficult jobs, which pigeonhole us for life; in addition, the job itself has little to no respect, even though what we do as stay-at-home parents has a direct correlation to the success and flow of our family units.<br /><br />I was recently advised that someone in our family said I was a stay-at-home dad because I am a "jobless, lazy, deadbeat." This was reported to me through the mouth and in the eyes of an 11-year-old child, who advised me of such because she watched firsthand what I do when she was visiting us, and saw who I am as a father and what my role is in my family. </span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">My niece reported those words lovingly and with respect because her innocence allowed her to be open to see the truth about what I actually do for a living, rather what was implied by an ignorant statement from someone who will never "get it." I understand that whomever stated those words intended to hurt me, or criticize me - but ended up validating me and giving me a "proud moment" in my life. I also understand I need to hold onto the truth from my niece - whether I continue working from home, or return to an outside-the-home career. My niece's experience and "aha moment" is <b><i>truth</i></b>. I turn this "aha moment" to you, 'Not Selfish,' and hope you experience the acknowledgment because I know everything you do and sacrifice and endure for the sake of your children and your family every waking and non waking moment of your life.<br /><br />Ten years of your life have been devoted to your children - including your husband/man-child who chooses to not lift a finger and has nothing but expectation in your partnership. You made a choice for yourself that I am sure you felt was selfish - and I assure you it was <i><b>not</b></i> selfish. Every single man and woman deserves to have something that is his/her own. When each woman or man decides to be a stay-at-home parent, we each sacrifice career potential that non-stay-at-home parents ever have to make. We put ourselves at a long term disadvantage in a job market that is frightening enough when one has a proven and consistent track record, and then have to figure out how to explain the "gap" in our resumes if we choose to return to work. "Gap": because what we do as stay-at-home parents is not "work." I hope this misconception is changed in our society and within my lifetime.<br /><br />You could take this 'trial run' of your return to work and come to more than once conclusion: you can consider yourself a failure for having had the nerve to find something that doesn't feel like work, that is yours, that has respect and eventual benefits, at the cost of your entire family falling apart - and with the "second shift" of responsibilities waiting for you upon your return home at night; or, you can realize that it was not YOU who failed or dropped the ball - rather, it was your man-child husband and your old-enough-to-do-better children who contributed to the 'mess' you returned to when your child became ill and you returned home.<br /><br />My advice, 'Not Selfish', is to proceed with getting back to your career as soon as possible, and make it clear to your family that you learned a thing or two from the "trial run." Man-child/husband will now put in 50% of the domestic responsibilities and start making sure homework is done, half the meals for the week are cooked, half the shopping is done, half the laundry is done, the house is cleaned half the time, and so on. If he says to you that you "make less than him" or that those menial tasks are "a woman's responsibility," tell him to hire a cook, a maid, a chauffeur, a laundry service, a babysitting service, a personal shopper, a C.N.A., a tutor, and a household manager. Let him know you will contribute your half to all these responsibilities, so he can take money from his salary to hire this help to cover his share. I would then open a bank account, and start depositing all paychecks there, with yourself as the sole authorized user. When he comes back at you with "I'm not doing that - it is your job (as I'm sure he will)," advise him that is fine, but since you are continuing the role of a stay-at-home parent, you will no longer be contributing to your household from your salary. The money in <i><b>your</b></i> account is now <i><b>yours</b></i>.<br /><br />I am hopeful that if you try these tactics, he may see that he is being unreasonable and start to pitch in equally. You are both entitled to the same rights/privileges so long as you are contributing equally to the same roles and responsibilities. It is my very firm belief that whether you contribute to your family as a stay-at-home parent, or as a salaried professional - all the money earned is owned equally by <i><b>both </b></i>contributing spouses. I hope you can come to a middle ground where everything gets shared equally - both the benefits and the responsibilities. You need to stick to your guns on this, 'Not Selfish', because you are <i><b>NOT</b></i> selfish for wanting something that is yours.<br /><br />I would also advise your children that "fun time" is over, and that you are running a tight ship in which there will be very direct consequences to their actions, whether you are home working, or outside the home working. I hope that the trouble maker has had some type of consequence for his behavior (and if he is old enough to get in that much trouble, he is old enough to be on permanent bathroom duty - including rubber-gloved-scrub-by-hand toilet duty). </span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">You have given a great gift to your children. Even if they are under ten, they are old enough now to contribute to making your household run efficiently. It takes a village, and in this regard, it takes <b><i>your</i></b> village to ensure you can have the career you so desperately crave and deserve, and the family can run like a well-oiled machine. The responsibility falls to every single member of your family.<br /><br />I also suggest you work a set number of hours and not be the go-to for picking up needed shifts. You have to sacrifice as well, 'Not Selfish', and I think you have admitted to taking on that extra time as more of avoidance than in a career-needed, or financially-driven decision. You and your family need to have a conversation, stat!<br /><br />I wish you luck and hope you decide to return to work and take the advice I have given. I do not believe this is going to be a smooth or easy transition, but it is worth you standing up for yourself and having the inevitable conflicts to come to a mutually beneficial place for all of you. Some may argue this is advising you to play a 'game' - and this is true. I am advising you to play a game that goes against a game that has been played for generations before us so we can do better for ourselves and to make the tomorrows to come for our sons and daughters more equal, prosperous, and fulfilling for <i><b>EVERYONE</b></i>. Good thoughts and energy to you and your family, and please keep us updated.<br /><br />I understand that traditionally men have had the freedom to completely shirk their responsibilities at home, as parents, as spouses. I believe this "trend" of the 'traditional marriage enterprise' is changing and morphing - and many are idealizing the concept of the 'egalitarian marriage enterprise'. I understand, certainly as a stay-at-home parent, that domestic and provisional responsibility falls to both parents (and while historically I have been more in the supportive role of my wife's professional successes, I always contributed provisionally as well). What is the complexity (aside from hundreds of years of tradition) in realizing that if one gives more, one gets more and that marriage, parenting, and family should be a 50/50 partnership?</span>The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-8768741168992750752015-01-28T23:01:00.000-08:002015-04-13T21:10:54.656-07:00The one with the 'Former co-sleeper wannabe' <div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1422480498010_2563" style="padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="" data-reactid=".1m.1.0.0.0.0.1:$mid=11421953511651=2758a8044c87b4a0024.0.1.0.$right.0.0.1.0.$end:0:$0:0" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1422480498010_2773" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;">Dear Dad,</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br class="" data-reactid=".1m.1.0.0.0.0.1:$mid=11421953511651=2758a8044c87b4a0024.0.1.0.$right.0.0.1.0.$end:0:$1:0" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;" /><span class="" data-reactid=".1m.1.0.0.0.0.1:$mid=11421953511651=2758a8044c87b4a0024.0.1.0.$right.0.0.1.0.$end:0:$2:0" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1422480498010_2580" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;">Needing some advice on how to get my 4 year old to sleep in his own bedroom. In our previous house, the rooms were way too spaced out, so for his first 2 1/2 years, he shared a room with us. Now that we bought a new house, his bedroom is super close but I can't get him to stop sneaking into our room late at night. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="" data-reactid=".1m.1.0.0.0.0.1:$mid=11421953511651=2758a8044c87b4a0024.0.1.0.$right.0.0.1.0.$end:0:$2:0" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="" data-reactid=".1m.1.0.0.0.0.1:$mid=11421953511651=2758a8044c87b4a0024.0.1.0.$right.0.0.1.0.$end:0:$2:0" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;">Santa brought him an awesome bed for Christmas, slide on it and all. Yet Santa didn't know what to do with the old bed so put it in our room, and of course our son prefers to sleep in the old bed. Even if I took apart the old one I'm afraid he'd still just come in and sleep on the floor. I'm at a loss. I suggested to my husband doing a star chart for sleeping in his room, but he did not think it was a good idea. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="" data-reactid=".1m.1.0.0.0.0.1:$mid=11421953511651=2758a8044c87b4a0024.0.1.0.$right.0.0.1.0.$end:0:$2:0" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;">What are your thoughts/advice? </span><span class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1422480498010_2599" style="color: #141823; line-height: 18px;">Oh and the challenging part is my job, I work from home but have clients with special needs stay the night some times, when they do stay the night our son sleeps in our room just out of precaution.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dear 'Former co-sleeper wannabe',</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I had a perfect answer for your question based on my experience - until I read the last line of your question. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The key to getting your children to stay in their own beds is to be consistent and ironclad about the routine of going to (and staying in) bed on their own. There can never be an exception - otherwise, your children will figure out ways to manipulate their way back into your bed or bedroom. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My advice is to override Santa's decision to put the old (more familiar and more comfortable and soothing) bed in your room, and get rid of it immediately. I would explain to your son that he is getting to be a 'big boy', and make a big deal about how brave and strong he is going to be now that his "job" is to sleep in his own room. I think your idea of doing a star chart is brilliant, and I would suggest kicking it up a notch and put a reward system in place. Perhaps when he gets seven stars (one per night totally in his own room) he gets some type of treat or privilege?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now, the tricky part regarding the overnight guests: you are 100% correct that you must protect your children when having any stranger or client sleeping in your home. The problem is, if you don't go 100% in with him sleeping in his own room, you could potentially face this problem for years (a prior 'Dear Dad' question regarding this found a teenage boy still sleeping in his parents' bed). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I suggest the nights you have clients sleep at your home, you put your son to bed the way you would any other night. Once he is asleep, I think you should sleep in his room (and not in his bed). I would also get a lock for his door and lock it on those nights to ensure both your safety. Best of luck to you, and please keep us updated!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We allowed co-sleeping with our oldest, despite protests on my part. Once my wife experienced the years-long struggle getting our oldest to sleep on her own, she had no question about not co-sleeping with our twins. We were consistent from day one with the twins sleeping in their own beds, and they slept on their own a lot quicker than our oldest (years quicker). What do you all think? Is co-sleeping a good idea, and if so, at what age do you hang the 'do not disturb' sign on your bedroom door?</span></div>
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The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-63210524028011707832015-01-25T17:51:00.002-08:002015-04-13T20:31:00.990-07:00The one with the 'good question'<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;">Dear Dad,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;">How do I get my kids to not compare themselves to each other? My girls are so competitive and they are only 7 and 4!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #3d85c6; line-height: 20px;">Dear 'Good Question',</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;">I have a feeling that if I had a definitive, universal answer to your question, I would be writing this advice column while sipping the finest of scotches, in an evening jacket from the ocean front terrace of a w</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; line-height: 20px;">inter home on Waikiki.<br /><br />I think as parents we have to accept that self comparison is human nature for us all - especially children who are making their way in an unknown world. When you add the concept of sibling rivalry to said comparisons we make even as adults with neighbors/strangers? You've just summed up my life as the father of twin six-year-old girls!<br /><br />My advice is to highlight each of your children's strengths and applaud accomplishments and make criticisms with your children individually. Parenting can be a juggling act, and I believe having a lot of balls in the air is necessary to ensure each of your children are given the opportunity and attention for their individual selves to develop to their utmost potential.<br /><br />My twins seem to reach milestones at different times, and with each accomplishment, the other becomes envious and down on herself if the same task is not mastered. My wife and I have known that an important task as parents involves the above advice - an easy feat for the first several years. Now that the girls are getting older, nature is taking its course and the girls are developing differently. My daughters are seeing their sibling's accomplishments as "not being as good as" if one is not physically or psychologically ready for something the other has achieved.<br /><br />One of my twins grew just tall enough to be able to use the water slide at our community pool just before it closed in October. My twins were equally terrified and enthralled by the water slide since we moved to Florida in August. When one of them was finally able to take the plunge, the moment was intense for her - a definitive marker event in her experience of growing up. She jumped up and down and screeched with excitement of her huge achievement. Her shorter (but two minutes older) twin sister was crushed. The same younger and taller sister has lost not one, but three teeth. My daughter has said more than once that she feels like "a big baby" because she is "so far behind" her sister. She has expressed a sense of defeat and of not being 'as good as' her little sister.<br /><br />When we went to our last dental appointment, the twins advised their very precocious and smart 20-something dental hygienist of these facts, accomplishments, and pitfalls. The hygienist looked at my shorter, has-all-her-teeth twin and whispered, with a wink: "you are older by 2 minutes? That is something that you will always have - you are a big sister! It is great that your little sister is accomplishing these things that you will soon accomplish and master, but she will <i><b>never</b></i> be older than you. Don't say anything to her, because that would make her feel bad; but, don't feel bad because you are always a step ahead." </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; line-height: 20px;">The beaming, prideful look on my daughter's face was priceless and taught me something: it is sometimes OK to point out advantages one child has over another, so long as it is co-taught that flaunting said advantages would make others feel bad and be in poor form.<br /><br />My wife and I waited until we had a moment alone with 'big sister' to discuss the situation. She was full grinned and boasting about the responsibilities of being a 'big sister'. We agreed with her about those responsibilities, but focused on her artwork, her grasp of technology, and her creativity and how amazing she was in those areas and how she should focus on her many accomplishments. She focused, rather vocally, on being two minutes older than her little sister and what a big deal it was that she</span></span><i style="color: #141823; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 20px;"><b> is, was, and always will be a big sister!</b></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><br />I guess there are no definitive rules, and am now very aware of our next project/life lesson - tact and humility. Thank you for submitting your question which allowed me to focus on this subject - this has given me food for thought. Please keep us updated, and best of luck to you!<br /><br />How do you deal with your children comparing themselves to each other and with sibling rivalry? Do you take an active role to try to influence/referee your children, or allow them to figure it out for themselves?</span></span>The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-76708454851633280472015-01-25T17:50:00.000-08:002015-04-13T21:01:15.516-07:00The one with the email and the quagmire<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 20px;">Dear Dad,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;">I am a single Mommy of twin boys that are 8 years old. I’d like your take on something: my ex-husband and I have been divorced for 7 years now. I try to communicate important dates, information, and anything that I feel needs to be addressed via email. I spent too much of my life having my words twisted around and played back incorrectly to me </span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #141823;">and our friends. When I send an email I copy his mother as well, so that there are another set of eyes on my words so that he can’t mix them up and spew off what he wants and because Nana and I are still good friends (oddly enough, though she is part of my kid's family so I feel she should be in the loop). </span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">My ex remarried in October of 2013. I don’t have an issue with his wife. Overall she’s great to my boys. Earlier this week I sent a ‘very important’ email to my ex and copied Nana. I had to address my ex leaving our two 8 year old boys home alone (even if it was for just a few minutes) not once, but <i><b>twice</b></i> last week while he ran up to his wife’s work. He responded immediately and promised it won’t happen again.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #141823;">I would like nothing more than for our boys not to go to his home anymore. He is very much an 'Uncle Dad'/'Disneyland Dad'. Our boys are beginning to catch on to that a little. He also accused me of grilling our boys for information about him and his wife. I couldn’t care less about their lives as long as our children are well taken care of. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #141823;">My ex told me he would never leave the kids alone again, but does not want me to ask questions about him and his wife and also asked me to stop copying his mom on emails I send to him. He also told me to copy his wife instead of his mom. I informed him that he cannot control who I send communications to and that it was not my job to ensure his wife knows what I have said. I told him that if I was remarried it would be my responsibility to discuss things with my husband, not his. I would love to have your opinion of all of this along with any tips, warnings, anything you’d like to say.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Dear 'Single Mommy',</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">I think it is wonderful that you have retained a connection with your ex mother-in-law, and that you have a support system in place. I do, however, disagree with your copying her in on emails between you and your ex husband. It seems inappropriate on more than one level: you are making her a forced moderator, which while nice to have, is not her place; and secondly, you are sending an ongoing message to your ex husband that he is incompetent and needs his 'mommy' to keep a watchful eye on everything you communicate about (more on that in a bit). </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #141823;">I think email is the best way to communicate with your ex, as keeping things in writing will minimize conflict; moreover, emails act almost as a contract with a time/date stamp on exactly what you each present and agree to. Keep every single email to and from your ex in a dedicated folder so that no words, dates, or information can ever get twisted or played back incorrectly to you or your friends. If they ever are, you have proof and don't need Nana's input. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">The good news is that sword is double edged and it would be completely inappropriate for you to be expected to copy in his new wife on an email you are writing to him. Your ex certainly knows how to forward an email, and it should be his sole responsibility if he wants to copy in his wife on your correspondence regarding your children. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #141823;">Now on to the real root of your question - he admittedly left two eight year old boys alone and has the audacity to scoff at the notion of you "grilling" your children for information? I don't think so. I would make it clear to him that you are not asking questions to determine what he and his new wife have for dinner or what movies they watch together. You are trying to determine if either of them are suitable parents who can make appropriate parenting decisions. I am glad he acknowledged that leaving 8 year old twins alone was wrong. Twice? In one week? Where else are these people dropping the ball with your children who you are entrusting in their care? </span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">My advice is to send an email to him and advise him you will no longer copy in his mother, and advise him that his request to copy in his wife is inappropriate. Make it clear to him that you are keeping all email correspondence, so the function that your mother in law played is still in effect, but in a more appropriate means of communication between just the two of you. If he twists your words, or messes up on a date, you will have proof. I would also send an email to Nana and let her know you still consider her a wonderful resource and relative, but you are honoring her son's wish to remove her from future communication. Advise Nana that you will always communicate with her via a private communication between the two of you, and value your relationship. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">I would have a very direct discussion with my children and give them an opportunity to advise you of any other details you may not know about, but should know about. You need to be vigilant in making sure they are safe when they are with their dad and step mom. It is my very strong opinion, 'Single Mommy', that you have every right to ask any and every question you ever have involving the safety and well being of your children. I believe if your ex dropped the ball in judgment to leave your children alone <i style="font-weight: bold;">twice</i> in one visit - you are completely justified to make sure the environment is safe.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #141823;">You are in a quagmire, 'Single Mommy', as you are now co raising your children with a 'village' in more than one home. This may not be the situation you idealized, but is a reality that many families face. I think you need to document everything to maintain a clear directive about dates and events and happenings, and be reasonable when it comes to requests such as your ex's to not copy in his mother (and expect the same in return). Above all else, trust your instincts! If you think something is amiss, send an email, talk to your children, and follow your gut feeling! Best of luck to you and your family!</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #141823;"><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #141823;">Raising children is difficult enough with a partner on the same page and in the same household, and I have a great deal of respect for those who raise their children alone, or in concert with others. This question got me to thinking: in the case of divorce or separation, is it really every member of the children-raising-village's place to be privy to every single day-to-day detail? </span></span></span>The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-23761848804928771882015-01-25T17:41:00.000-08:002015-01-25T19:05:38.632-08:00The one with the single mom <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;">Dear Dad,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;">I need the male perspective. I am a single mom of twins (boy and girl) who are now 3. I receive nothing from the dad and neither do the twins. They have only met their father once, at a park (after many attempts)</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #141823;"> for a few hours. They asked about him afterwards daily. He was "too busy" to see them again. Eventually, thankfully they just stopped asking. I don't want to poison them against him regardless of him being a deadbeat. But am unsure how to answer the "where's my dad" questions that come up after seeing another child with their dad. We have been staying with my father, while I get back on my feet and I had been hoping that he would step up a little but considering that he was never around or a positive influence in my childhood, I'm not surprised that he hasn't. What do you think?</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Dear 'Single Mom':</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">I was raised by a single mom who not only helped mold me into the father that I am, not only inspired me to create this column, but who I wish a happy father's day to each June because she was, quite frankly, not just the best mom in the world, but the best dad in the world as well.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /><span style="color: #141823;">I realized in my mid 20's that I have a sense of a "collective father" - an internal image and sense of different male influences in my life that have helped to mold, shape, and inspire me as a man and ultimately as a father- but surprisingly at the core of that construct is my mother.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">My mother selflessly sacrificed her self for the sake of her children - and while I may not agree to the degree to which she sacrificed, I honor and respect everything she did for us. My mother did not just cook our meals, keep our house clean, run the PTO, mend our wounds, or act as a shoulder to cry on - she did so much more. My mother was my cub scout leader, even though she had no idea what she was doing; she realized that men were few and far between in the part of town I grew up in, so she stepped up. My mother taught me about the birds and the bees, even though it was clear to me even at the age of ten how nervous she was talking about things, and how little she knew on the subject from a male's perspective, even then. My mother taught me how to play sports (not very well, I might add, but the point is she made sure to include that). My mother taught me to stand up and fight for myself, and to never succumb to bullies. Any- and everything that a dad should "typically" teach their son, my mother at least tried to teach me, and from that I learned and became. </span><a href="http://www.fodder4fathers.com/f4f-blog/2013/7/31/happy-belated-fathers-day-mom-guest-post.html" style="color: #141823;">Click here to read a post I wrote about my mother</a><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">My advice, 'Single mom', is to own that you are in a situation where you are both mother and father to your children. I would advise your children, in an age appropriate way, that some people are not meant to be parents, and their biological father, though not meant to be a parent, gave you the greatest gift in the world: twins and the ability to be both mother and father to them. I am not saying to make him a hero, but paint the good things he actually did: give you your babies and give them life.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">I am sorry that your father was not a positive influence in your life while growing up, and can certainly relate; however, I am glad that he is there for you now as you get back on your feet. Perhaps show him your question and my answer, hug him and say: "Dad, I love you and am grateful you are here for me, but I want more from and for you, and your grandchildren need more from you." I suspect if you are living in his home, he has a sense of his failures and may be open to more successes.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">My hat is off to you, 'Single mom', and to ALL the single parents out there. I don't know how you do it. Twins? Seriously - I do NOT know how you do it, as I went through the experience of twins with a support system and much of the first few years is still a haze.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">Now, after that is done: go to court as soon as possible! Your ex has a </span><b><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;">legal </span></i></b><span style="color: #141823;">responsibility to his children and MUST pay to help support them and you. Why have you not already done this? There were extenuating circumstances with my mother, who did not go the legal route until we were much older (and trust me, my biological father talked about his resentment of paying that debt on his deathbed, deadbeat that he was to the core). Your ex is </span><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i><b>legally</b></i> </span><span style="color: #141823;">responsible to take care of his offspring, and the law is there to make sure he fulfills that responsibility! If he is "too busy" to know his children, so be it. You can take care of that, Single mom. If your ex foolishly chooses not to support his children, he can go to JAIL. Please contact an attorney ASAP and have it ironclad that your children are in YOUR custody, but your ex still has to pay his fair share to raise his children.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">I am sending you good thoughts and energy, 'Single mom'.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">I have been running this advice column for over two years now, and am still flabbergasted by the number of mothers who are angry at their ex partner's refusal to see their children, but take no legal action to make sure they pay for their </span><i><b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">legal responsibility</span></b></i><span style="color: #141823;">. Why is this? Are single moms afraid they will come across in a negative light, or do they not realize under </span><i><b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">law </span></b></i><span style="color: #141823;">they are entitled to child support?</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">As part of this advice column, I encourage readers to use the comment section to have a conversation on the subjects that are presented for 'Dear Dad.' I will be around all day to be part of the conversation. What are everyone's thoughts?</span></span></span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span>The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-90893746454270954882015-01-11T19:59:00.001-08:002015-01-25T19:01:12.278-08:00The one with the 'Mean Girls' group<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;">Dear Dad,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;">I am in a mother's group on facebook that I really enjoy and has really helped me. The problem is a lot of the mom's talk about a lot that I don't understand like politics. Some of them can be snotty and even a little mean to the other mom's who don't know anything on the subject. I have been googling the things they are talking about so I can be part of the conversations and have mo</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #141823;">re than once been kind of bitchy to people who don't know things "like we do." I feel bad about it, but also love the group and talking about things. What do you think I should do? I'm an at home mom and 19 and don't know a lot of people here (I moved to my boyfriend's when I got pregnant). TIA</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Dear 'Mean Girl Groupie':</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">I realize you are very young and may not understand that life is not like high school. You will encounter people who are snotty and know-it-all and unpleasant catty buffoons. Do you want to associate with unpleasant catty buffoons and have people think you are one?</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">I love that you are googling things to keep up with the conversation - education does not just happen in college and universities. Anyone can learn anything by researching and reading. Bravo!</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">For you to then be snooty to others for not knowing something? For shame.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">My advice is to consider if this group of 'Mean Girls' is really for you. If you think the pros outweigh the cons, continue googling, and be nice! Keep in mind there are a lot of other groups on Facebook!</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;">Good luck!</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; line-height: 20px;">I have found, on many Facebook parenting pages, as well as comment sections of online articles, that some women can be very non supportive and judgmental towards other women. Why is this? Why can't we all just get along? </span></span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">As part of this advice column, I encourage readers </span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">to use the comment section to have a conversation on the subjects that are presented for 'Dear Dad.' I will be around all day to be part of the conversation. What are everyone's thoughts? </span></span></span>The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-61946988366600345532015-01-11T19:13:00.000-08:002015-01-25T19:01:18.066-08:00The one with the circumcision<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1421025549324_3075" style="padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dear Dad,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am a single mother to a 2 year old girl, and am 8 months pregnant with my son. My boyfriend left when he found out I was pregnant, and I grew up without a father, so there is no man in the picture. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My question is, should I circumcise my son? I have been reading things about it, but it seems there are as many people for it as there are against it. I don't know what to do. Please help, I need a man's input, and I feel like I'm cutting it too close to the due date!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dear 'Cutting':</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When I first started this column, and tackled a circumcision question, I had to literally walk away from my computer over the unbelievable debate the topic sparked. I contemplated throwing in the towel on 'Dear Dad'. After the dust settled on the post, I decided not to answer any more questions on the subject, but carry on with the advice column. I am willing to make an exception in light of your situation, and I hope I can help from a now more experienced and neutral perspective. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As a circumcised male and father of three daughters I had never given the matter of circumcision much thought. In researching for the initial circumcision question, I, too, found many pros and cons regarding the subject. I was discussing the circumcision debate with my family, and much to my shock (and my wife's), my mother advised me I was never circumcised. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It turns out some men are born with little to no foreskin, while others have a significant amount. There are many arguments that circumcising your son may have health benefits, including std prevention, and there are articles written about preference for the look of a circumcised penis. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When I was in college, I had gone on a camping trip for 3 days with friends. When we returned, we learned that I had won tickets to Woodstock '94, but would have to immediately leave for Saugerties, NY - allowing no time for even a quick shower. I returned three days later (and six days shower free) to what can only be described as the most putrid odor and burning/itching I had ever experienced. I went to the doctor and learned that I had an infection (not an std) that was easily treated with an antibiotic cream, and was caused by poor hygiene. Looking back, I must have enough foreskin where infections like these can happen. If you decide to not circumcise your son, be sure to teach him the importance of meticulous hygiene. The event was a bit traumatizing, even to this day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I think fate played its hand well in giving me three daughters because even in spite of the trauma from that one infection I had in 40 years, I would still not circumcise my son if we had one. My wife, on the other hand, has strong feelings on the subject and advised me she would insist on circumcision, simply because of cosmetic reasons. I am glad circumcision is not something my wife and I have to make a decision on, as we both feel pretty strong on opposite ends of the choice. You are in the position where you can make the final decision on your own. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My advice, Cutting, is to discuss this with your pediatrician. Your doctor is a wealth of information, and it is part of his/her job to help educate you on subjects like this. Do some research on the subject on your own as well, and in concert with your pediatrician's advice, decide for your son what you think is best for him. There is no right or wrong answer, except for the one you decide is best for your son. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Good luck to you!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As part of this advice column, I encourage readers to use the comment section to have a conversation on the subjects that are presented for 'Dear Dad.' I will be around all day to be part of the conversation. What are everyone's thoughts? </span></div>
The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-21764229943803942842014-12-28T23:54:00.002-08:002015-01-12T19:13:14.599-08:00The one with the sun, the moon, the stars, the universe and everything that is glittery and shiny beyond that<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 20px;">Dear Dad,</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 20px;">I have a boyfriend of 6 1/2 years. We have 2 kids together - young ones for that matter, ages 4 and 2. The beginning of our relationship was great! Cuddles, sex, holding hands in public - all was good. Then we had our first child after 2 years of being together. Everything went downhill. He started making stupid jokes, which hurt my feelings a lot. He started cussing at me too. I'm a Christian, but </span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">him - I'm not sure. He stopped kissing me in public, not like I like making out in public, but he wouldn't even do a simple kiss! Even holding hands he would sigh like it was a chore or something, and roll his eyes.</span></span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">Skip foreword 2 more years and my daughter was born. He was making a living for us in a different state and she was born with him not here. I have a couple Hispanic best friends and she was born with a dark complexion. He flipped a lid and started all sorts of accusations. His mom flipped a lid on him! So did everyone else. When he was enlightened he was apologetic and all sorts. Still to this day he makes jokes about her and she's 2 years old now. Hurts a lot. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">Now present day I've caught him twice in 3 months cheating. The first time it hurt, lost all trust and respect. I thought about leaving, but have decided to try and work things out. Then, 1 week ago I went through his phone and found out the day he took off with our son for a father-son day, he took off to see some other woman and stayed the night with her.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">Now you are thinking: why is this dumb woman staying with such a low life?! I love him. My kids love him. Back home, my family could not help me. Druggies. So I don't want my kids around that. I try to make it on my own being a SAHM. I have my own business but it's literally seasonal. I don't have much skills for anyone to hire me even part time. Very discouraged. So, now I don't really have a question but just looking for hopeful words of advice.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="color: #3d85c6; display: inline; line-height: 20px;">Dear 'Hopeful':</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">Stupid jokes are kind of my thing, and I cuss like a sailor if the kids aren't around. But making stupid jokes and cussing at my wife? No. Just no.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">As I was reading your question, and learned that he insinuated that he was not the father based on her coloring, all I could think of was: "this guy is cheating on her." I then read the rest of your question. I am so sorry you are going through this, Hopeful.</span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">As my readers know, I think a cou</span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 20px;">ple can get past cheating, and I do not immediately brand the cheater "evil," but rather "animal." </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">Cheating, with that being said, is such a betrayal of trust that almost literally, a new relationship has to be formed. If you are going to survive cheating, new boundaries must be put in place that make both partners feel secure about the relationship, and said boundaries must be respected.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">But, Hopeful, your reasoning for staying (and I know it is limited to the information given in a short question) seems to be about lack of help and lack of skills/resources for you to consider anything else. Do not stay with him if that is the reason! There is public assistance, if you need it, or you can brainstorm and figure out a way to turn your business into something year round. One can sell snow cones just as well in December as they can in July if they have the perfect "aha" moment, realizing the vehicle that will allow it.</span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 20px;">My advice is to go in your bathroom </span><span style="line-height: 20px;">right now</span><span style="line-height: 20px;"> and take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. Are you there yet? Seriously, don't keep reading until you can see your self in a mirror.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">OK: You are you, the mother of two beautiful children and you do what you do day in and day out for your kids! <i><b>You </b></i>deserve "to infinity and beyond" and then beyond that from your partner and he damn well better put in 100%! You gave this man the gift of his two children, and have come from a difficult place (I'm gathering), and are not dumb. You are beautiful, special, and unique - everyone is in their own way. You deserve to be treated as such, and owe it to yourself to demand that of your partner. Can you see past the pain and the hurt you've probably been through to truly see your self? Keep looking in the mirror!</span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 20px;">Think about your children - would you want your son to be like this man? What about your daughter - do you dream for her to one day be in your shoes? If you continue to allow this, </span><span style="line-height: 20px;">Hopeful</span><span style="line-height: 20px;">, your children will think this treatment is normal and acceptable. </span></span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">Can Mr. 'Non-Man' ever truly treat you how you truly deserve to be treated, and help mold your children into the adults they will one day become? Think back to when you were a little girl and tried on different princess dresses, and looked in the mirror and dreamed your beautiful dreams and envisioned your adult life. Is this it? If the answer is 'yes', set some boundaries in your relationship. If not, (I'm finally saying it, long term readers of 'Dear Dad', even though I can't stand the saying) kick him to the curb! </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">Life is not a dress rehearsal...we get slightly less than what we expect for ourselves - so expect the sun, the moon, the stars, the universe, and everything that is glittery and shiny beyond that.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">Sending good thoughts and energy to you, </span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">Hopeful</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">. Please keep us updated.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 20px;">This question makes me think about my married friends - most happily, some not. Why do some people 'settle' instead of shooting the moon? </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">As part of this advice column, I encourage readers </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">to use the comment section to have a conversation on the subjects that are presented for 'Dear Dad.' I will be around all day to be part of the conversation. What are everyone's thoughts? </span>The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6246667974845005545.post-43683024200211341472014-12-28T22:03:00.000-08:002015-01-11T20:27:24.053-08:00The one with the probable booty call <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;">Dear Dad,</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 20px;">This might sound somewhat pathetic, but here it goes. I met an awesome man this summer and we completely clicked right away. There was no nervousness at our first meeting and it's like we knew each other in another life. After just a few weeks, we talked about it and both felt very strongly for each other. Way more than we probably should for having just recently met. He's a very honest </span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; line-height: 20px;">man and has always been straight with me so I have no reason to doubt his feelings. We hung out 1-2 times a week for a couple of months and started having sex. We weren't officially together, but neither one of us wanted to date or sleep with anyone else so it was cool. One day, he tells me he's not sure how he feels about his ex girlfriend and that he can't continue what we have until he figured out his feelings. He was waiting for them to dissipate on their own. He also said he knew we were heading to being serious and he wanted that too, but didn't want to get months down the road, just to have the unresolved feelings cause a emotional destruction for either us or our kids. He has a 13 year old daughter and I have a toddler son. I've met his daughter once and he's spent 20 minutes or so around my boy, nothing more. I didn't get to see him for a couple of weeks, but then I did and he told me he'd talked to his ex and they'd discussed trying to get back together. They hung out a bit and, from the get go, she was 100% "I should just move back home" and so on. He told her he didn't feel any romantic feelings for her at all and that was the end of that. He said he just needed some time to get his emotional self back on track, we started hanging out again and I let him take the lead and do what was comfortable for him. It was cool and we started having sex again, but I noticed that he'd get kind of distant a few days later. I told him I'd give him space because it seemed to "muddy his emotional waters" when we spent time together. He said it didn't, but a few weeks later, he told me, again, he needed some time and space and wasn't emotionally available right now. That was 2 1/2 weeks ago and I haven't heard from him at all. I know he's the kind of man who has a lot of feelings of self worth in how he's doing in his "provider" role and he was out of work all summer and had begun getting behind on bills. He was also having some issues with his ex wife and wasn't getting to see his daughter much. He got a job with a disaster cleanup company and was supposed to be promoted to project manager once they ironed out the details of the brand new position, but they dragged their feet and were a shitty company to work for so he was miserable. He's since started a new job at a great company so I hope he's on the emotional mend. </span></span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline;"><span style="color: #141823; line-height: 20px;">Now to my actual question, I'm giving him the time and space he asked for, aside from 2 well spaced texts telling him I'm thinking of him, because he's an amazing man and its worth it to me to do so. I'm not going to be waiting 4 months down the road because I have more self respect than that, but do you think I'm even wasting my time now, after just a couple of weeks? I'm not ready to move on anyways so it's not like I'm holding myself back from any opportunities. Thanks, Brian.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #3d85c6; line-height: 20px;">Dear 'Not Holding Back':</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I know what it is like to have an “instant connection” with someone. I've experienced it a few times…leading to a long term relationship, a booty call, and a marriage. </span></span><i class="_4-k1 img sp_vOYEWpFssLd sx_cb1b46" style="background-image: url(https://fbstatic-a.akamaihd.net/rsrc.php/v2/yA/r/_Z8-fcANn0c.png); background-position: 0px -8101px; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: auto; color: #141823; display: inline-block; height: 16px; line-height: 20px; vertical-align: -3px; width: 16px;"></i><br /><br /><span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #141823;">I think he was be</span>ing perfectly upfront with you when he communicated that he needed time to sort things out. </span><span style="line-height: 20px;">The first time.</span></span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 20px;"> When he did it the second time, and has played a bit of a disappearing act, it makes me suspect that you are not on his radar (and if you are it is probably a booty call type of thing he is looking for).<br /><br />My advice? Do not contact him again, and see what happens. If he contacts you, do not make yourself so “completely available” to him. Make it clear that you have your own thing going on, and that you, quite frankly, deserve someone who is willing to put in a little effort. If he does pursue you I would take it very slow, hold off on the sex for a bit, and see if he flakes off again. If so, he needs to "something else" off! Good luck to you!</span></span>The Cook At Home Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16816554791197084702noreply@blogger.com0