The one with the big lie and the fried brain (with a side of bacon and hashbrowns)

Dear Dad,

My partner and I have 2 boys, ages 14 and 8, and we have been together since college. We have been watching (a current show about drug addiction and crime), and it got us to thinking about how to address the subject of drugs with our kids. We both smoked pot in college (he still does on occasion, but I don't now because I just overeat junk and fall asleep). My partner tried mushrooms a couple of times in college, and I think he dropped acid once or twice, but I mostly stayed out of anything beyond drinking and pot. Drugs are something we experimented with, but neither of us ever developed a problem.

I honestly don't know what to tell my boys about drugs, especially my 14 year old who has always rebelled against most things. I worry he is at that age, and with his personality where he may have gone or could go next. Should we confront him about drugs and ask if he has tried them, and how should we tell him that they could destroy his life? Should he watch (the show) with us? Help!

Dear 'Smoked Pot In College',

This salutation is addressing you based on your question, and is not in any way announcing anything about myself, nor anyone I know. I was a Nirvana-loving-phish-show-attending-birk-patchouli-wearing-long-haired-goateed-admirer-of-the-hippy-generation type of gen x-er. I don't have anything more to say on that - I was simply addressing you, 'Smoked Pot In College', and was in no way making a personal statement or announcement.

When I first read your question, I thought since I have young kids (ages 10 and 6), I don't have enough experience to answer this question. I realized after I thought about the subject for a bit, that my kids are exactly the age to talk about drugs, as are your children. I have warned my children about "Strawberry Quick" and Flakka when I learned about them (google the terms if you are not familiar - terrifying), but I haven't really gotten into specifics about drugs.

I was raised to "just say no" and with knowledge of "the big lie" and the image of a brain on drugs (with a side of bacon and hashbrowns - shows how seriously that was taken by my generation). I think based on your (and my) experience in college, it suffices to say that approach to curb drug use was ineffective. How can one who has experimented with drugs tell their children to just say no, especially when the odds are the conversation will most likely not help?

My advice, 'Smoked Pot in College', is to tell your children the truth about drugs, and from a young age, so long as the information you are sharing is age appropriate. Let your children know that a lot of their peers are going to experiment with drugs, and are going to try to pressure them into using drugs. I think it is imperative to empower our children with the truth about what drugs can physically and psychologically do to a person. We need to help our children understand that there are other ways to conform and fit in that don't involve risking their lives and their health.

I don't know that I'm going to tell my children to "just say no," but I am certainly going to tell them that if they try heroin once they have set themselves up for certain disaster, and that if they try quick or flakka (as younger and younger kids are), they could die the very first time they try it. I will advise my children that mixing alcohol with pills can kill them, and that addiction will end every dream they ever had for themselves. I will warn that every person is at risk for addiction and ask my girls if they think it is worth the gamble to "fit in" for a time in their lives that will only last a few years.

When we were in college, a lot of people smoked pot. The main issue for our children is the "first time/gateway drug" marijuana is being replaced with frightening hard drugs like heroin, meth, and designer street drugs. We need something more effective than just saying no because the world our children are growing up in is far scarier and dangerous than the one we grew up in.

The truth (with images and examples) of how horrific and destructive drugs and addiction can be is the only source powerful enough to teach our children to make smart choices when we are not there to help them make these decisions for themselves.  The only time we are going to be powerful enough to combat the incredible force of peer pressure and sense of curiosity is when they are still young enough to truly listen to us.  We need to talk to our children as soon as possible about drugs.

I think 14 is old enough to allow your son to watch the show with you (it is on network TV). Perhaps the images depicted in the show will be powerful enough to curb him from trying something down the road because he will be informed of the real repercussions of what can happen if he says yes to whatever is presented to him. I would advise him that he is in a safe place during this discussion, and encourage him to advise you of any exposure he has had to drug use (whether it be his own use or friend's use). Promise him (and stick to it) that there will not be any consequence to his honesty so you can start a dialogue about a critical subject.
I think my children are a tad too young to be exposed to the images presented in (that show), but I definitely think a defined and structured talk with them about drugs is in order immediately. Thank you for submitting this question and getting me to focus on a critical subject that requires action today.

There was a stigma when I was growing up that the drug crisis our country faced (and continues to face) was linked to socioeconomic status, or was only a problem in big cities. Four years at a private New England college (where NOT experimenting with drugs was deviant in my experience), I have learned firsthand people from all walks of life and different backgrounds experiment with, dabble in, or regularly use drugs. 

Why do you think we continue to make the issue of drugs about class or race? What methods are you going to use to inform and arm your children in the world of drugs that will undoubtedly surround them when you are not there to protect them?

On my way to Woodstock '94 - proud to say 100% drug and alcohol free (that weekend) 

The one with the mom who is 'stuck', but wants more kids

Dear Dad,

How do I make my husband realize that he is a great dad? We were high school sweethearts and got married shortly after graduating. He had told me that he didn't want to be a dad. His dad and his much older brother had both abandoned their families after divorce and have nothing to do with the kids from their previous marriages. He thinks that he will be the same, I think. I told him before we got married that I was going to be a mother and he needed to know that before he married me. I waited over 6 yrs and then told him that I was going off my birth control. It took 18 months but I finally got pregnant with our daughter. She is now 4. My husband is a great Dad. He is very active with her and he helps me out with dinner or her bath or whatever I ask for. They ride bikes together and play video games together and he is teaching her how to shoot. The problem is that they are exactly alike and both stubborn. She knows just what buttons to push and he gets frustrated with her. He is a little more strict than I am, so he gets her stubborn side a little more than I do, and she is very much a mommy's girl. She always wants to hold my hand and sit in my lap instead of his. He thinks that this makes him a bad dad. 

The biggest issue is that he refuses to agree to a second child because of his normal reactions to this child. He hates that he gets so angry with her. He always handles it well and does his best to teach her even when he is angry but sometimes he has to yell and then walk away. I've tried to tell him that this is part of being a parent and reassure him that he is great but it just doesn't stick. There are very few things that I want more than another child. My marriage is one. We are in a bit of a lose/lose situation right now and I am stuck. If he says OK and we have another child and he is stressed out more, I think he will end up resenting me for it, but if I give up and say never mind, am I going to resent him? I love him more than anything else and I hate that this is coming between us. Is there a good solution to this that I'm not seeing right now? I could use an outside opinion.

Dear 'Stuck',

I love synchronicity.  I just finished editing a chapter of the manuscript I've been working on in which I describe my first days as a stay-at-home dad with my oldest daughter literally moments before I read your question.  

In the chapter, I flash back to when my wife and I met at age 19, and how we both swore we were very anti-traditional and would never marry (not just each other, but anyone), and certainly would never have children. We are both the products of broken homes with marriages that did not end well, and found the concept of parenthood "limiting."  I recall within the chapter the extraordinary terror I felt taking care of a fragile and delicate human being, while completely clueless to what I was doing and endlessly searching for the "instructions on how to parent."  I remember the unimaginable self-critic I was regarding every single thing I did "wrong," or at less than 100%.  Your question made me re-conjure those images in my mind in my attempt to empathize and relate to where your husband is coming from.  

I realize, 'Stuck', that your husband is not in any position I've ever been in.  If you waited 6 years before having children, you are not a "young" couple as my wife and I were when we proclaimed our disdain for a traditional life.  If your child is four years old, your husband is a seasoned enough parent to not be wet behind the ears, and simply lacking confidence. My guess is that your husband feels he already compromised six years into your marriage, and in his opinion there is 'no room at the inn' for another child.  

My advice, 'Stuck', is to seek out marriage counseling.  The solution here is not to figure out a way to convince your husband to have another child, nor is it to just figure out how to get him to understand he is a good father.  I think he has made it clear where he stands.  I know more than one family that was in your situation, and the addition of another child did not fix anything, but led to the complete and utter destruction of the marriage and family.  

Your husband does need to understand that he is a good father and truly process that he is not his father nor his brother in order for him to truly enjoy his relationship with your daughter and not be endlessly worrying about failing her or letting her down.  Perhaps once he addresses this in a therapeutic setting he will, much down the road, change his mind about wanting another child.  I think you will benefit as well, because if having another child is of critical importance to you, you have a lot to explore for yourself regarding the issue of having more children and your husband's current stance. 

In a perfect world, my wife would not have had heart failure, we would not be in our early 40's already, and we would not be prone to multiple births.  I would love to have one more child.  Every time I talk about wanting one more child, my wife gives me the "no room at the inn" look.  Deep down, I know my wife is correct and that we are done having kids; but, the stay-at-home dad part of me wants this time in my life to keep going.  My children are aging me out of my chosen profession!  I can relate to how you feel, 'Stuck', and am sending you good thoughts and energy.  Please keep us updated.  

I know a lot of couples who planned exactly how many children they were going to have and were in agreement 100%.  I also know an equal number of couples who were blessed with multiples, who were barren, and who did not see eye to eye when it came to the issue of how many kids to have.  Do you think the issue of one wanting more children than his/her spouse is a deal breaker?  

The one with the creative soul sister

Dear Dad,

I've really been feeling pretty unfulfilled lately, and not in a "my husband doesn't love me enough" way. It is more like I just feel like I should be doing something, anything more creative. I'm having a hard time deciding what that is. I used to be a tattoo artist, and absolutely loved my job. I stopped doing it because the hours and times were way too much, and I never saw my little one (not to mention the guilt trips from my mother on never being around). 

I now work 2 jobs, one outside the home as a part time cake decorator/part time grocery associate, and another at-home dispatch job the other 3 days. I'm also taking care of 2 kids, and making dinner every night for my family, and being the primary cleaning person as well. My husband does help, maybe not as much as I'd like, but he does help. 

My problem lies in feeling like I have no time to try to be creative in the first place. I would love to be able to maybe make it where I only work 2 days out of my home (the 2 days a week I'm actually "allowed" to do my cake decorating at work) and spend some time making things to sell in an Etsy store or something, but we can't afford to take the monetary hit while waiting to see if it gets off the ground. Then there's the issue of buying supplies for something that may or may not work out. It feel like as much of a gamble as doing at home sales like Avon or Scentsy (no offense to anyone that's done it, I myself sold Avon for about a year). I keep seeing all these things online that people are making and selling and making good money off of them, but I'm so nervous about doing it. I've also thought about trying to go back to school since I never went to college, but everything that I could see myself being happy doing for the rest of my life doesn't seem reasonable. 

I can't justify possibly putting my family into debt to go to school for something that may or may not be lucrative when I'm done, and I'm feeling really lost right now. I feel like I've lost my creativity somewhere with being a mom and a wife (it probably ran off with my sanity, ha!). It is just really a bummer and I'm not sure what to do or where to go from here. [stomps foot and flails arms a la threenager style] I just wanna make pretty things and get paid for it!

Sooo..any advice?

Dear 'Creative Soul Sister',

There is a lot going on in your question, but I believe there is a common theme: you are a very creative person desperately in need of "me" time. I, like you, don't create because I want to - I create because I have to. I have been an aspiring artist my entire life - as an actor, as a singer/songwriter, as a chef, and ultimately as a writer (and I knew precociously this was how my path would unfold).

I experienced a creative pressure build-up within my soul similar to yours several years back. I had shelved my music aspirations to tend to my family after my twins were born and my wife had congestive heart failure. I was taking care of three kids all day, going to work at a call center at night, and then covering the night shift with the twins when I got home at two a.m., only to awake at 6:00 a.m. to start it all again. After burning the candle at both ends for nearly two years, I had a creative (and psychological) snap. I had to have "me" time - even if it meant taking time from my other responsibilities. My wife was given a clean bill of health, and the two of us had a long talk and agreed that we both need "me" time. I would have from when I got home from work on weekends until whenever I went to sleep, and she would wake up with the girls. I would then let her have a few hours in the afternoon - to sleep, watch movies, read, or go out with her friends. This arrangement has worked wonders for us both individually and for our marriage.

My advice, 'Creative', is to have a discussion with your husband and figure out a similar arrangement. You need time for yourself each week to let your creative juices flow - in whatever format you choose. You could take up tattooing on the side, or expand your cake decorating into a private business. I think the key struggle for you (assuming your husband sees what he will gain by agreeing to this), is to NOT feel guilty for taking that time for yourself. I suggest you create a blog (it is free), and then a related Facebook page (also free). Start posting pictures of your cakes and your tattoo art and "blog" about it. Perhaps it could lead to something that is a paid gig? At minimum, you are going to have a "canvas" on which you can express yourself, get some feedback and validation - and perhaps a second chance at a creative career.

Please feel free to email me at the address you submitted your question if you need help setting things up. Best of luck to you - and be sure to share your blog and Facebook page links here if you decide to take that route!

A lot of couples struggle with work/life balance and division of labor, and I believe most forget to incorporate "me" time. I can personally attest to the fact that giving a few hours when I can is certainly worth the few hours I receive. Do you have "me" time incorporated in your schedule?

The one with the discipline trend

Dear Dad,
Is it ever OK to discipline someone else's child? Physically redirecting? Time outs? Verbally? #WhatsTrending??

Dear 'Trending',

I know 'discipline' is a touchy subject, but I make no secret or apology for my stance on the physical discipline of children. I believe spanking is wrong and borders on abuse. If one has to resort to spanking their children, the person who is out of control is not the child, but the parent who should put themselves in time-out instead of lashing out at an innocent victim.

Having gone through the tyrannical threes and the frustrating time of toddler-hood with three children, I have changed my view to understand that an occasional swat (two fingers to the hand or tush while kneeling so the parent is at eye-level with the child accompanied with a firm and loudly stated, "NO!") is acceptable. When your child runs into the street or tries to stick a fork in an electrical outlet, sometimes it takes more than a "time out" or a redirection. I heard about those two situations from a friend. grin emoticon

In order to answer your question, I tried to think of a situation where someone was to physically redirect, or physically anything my children, and even as the pacifist that I am, "papa bear" would come out roaring and physically redirect any person who dared lay a finger on my kids! It is never OK to physically touch any child that is not yours -ever!

I have spent more than 2,920 days at the community park with my three girls. I would gander that on 2,918 of those days "Scrolly McScrollerson" was at the park, too - the mom or dad who forgot they were at the park with their children and were so engrossed in their phones and Facebook news-feeds, that he or she "was not aware" that his or her child was throwing rocks at other kids, pulling their hair, spitting on them, using inappropriate language, etc.

I share with you, 'Trending', my three strikes rule for this situation: strike one - I approach said child and say, "that is inappropriate behavior, do not continue or I'm telling your (mom/dad)!"'; strike two - I physically redirect my own children and say (LOUDLY): "you can't play with that child anymore because he/she is acting inappropriately, and no one is directing them!"; strike three: I go to "Scrolly McScrollerson" and directly say: "I realize that what one of your friend's ate for lunch is more important than your role as parent, but your child is out of control and making for an uninhabitable play space. Please redirect your behavior and do your job so we can all get along in a safe and appropriate fashion!" Ten out of the ten times I had to resort to 'strike three', other parents in the park applauded me and expressed their consensus about my take on "Scrolly." I believe the three strikes rules are the most appropriate way to handle the situation.

I admit that my 2,920 days at the park were a while back, and I miss the time when my kids were so young; more, I even miss the respite and solace I found while relating (or sometimes commiserating) with other parents at our shared haven. What's trending folks? Is my answer still the appropriate way to handle things with the toddler gone wild, while their Scrolly McScrollerson parent "doesn't see" the havoc being wreaked?

The one with the 'not selfish' former stay-at-home mom

Dear Dad, 

I was a stay at home mom for 10 years before choosing to go back to work last August. I walked into the perfect job for me, I got paid to do something that I 100% loved. I loved every moment of being at work so much, I started taking on any extra hours that I could. I was covering for other people when I could. I was the first person with my hand up when the company asked for volunteers. I loved being at work and loved the way it made me feel. The people I worked with didn't know me as 'Mom', and they didn't care if I forgot to pay the water bill. I found a new part of myself - a piece I had been missing for a long time. I made friendships with people who didn't even have kids and ate lunch with people who respected me.

Nobody ever respected me as a stay-at-home mom. I was just the person who didn't work or was "too lazy to work." At my job, people looked at me differently and treated me differently. I would come home from work late because I did anything I could to work later. When I would get home I would be slapped in the face with reality! My house would be trashed, the kids would be hungry, and nobody would have clean clothes for the next day. Every one of my "at-home-mom" duties were just waiting for me. I would do what I could, but I had to be up at 4 am for work the next day. My husband offered no help whatsoever, but was more than happy to take my pay check to pay bills with.

So due to a medical emergency with my daughter, I had to leave work. My boss decided to temporarily lay me off for 2 months so I could handle things with my daughter and still keep my job. During my time off a few things happened:  report cards came home and my absence showed up in their fallen grades; my oldest child was getting into trouble every day and nobody knew it and I got the "are you sure you care" talk from his teachers; I found out that because of the extra income I would lose the state's help with health insurance for my kids. You have to work for a year to eligible for insurance with the company I work for, and my husband's job had very expensive insurance.

So here is my problem: it is time to return to work and I don't know what to do. A very selfish part of me wants to go back so bad, but the mother in me says "You can't do that to your kids again and your kids can't be without health insurance." My husband is only thinking of the extra money and thinks that I just don't want to work. I do, trust me, I do, but I can't come home every day to my life a mess and my kids being without health insurance and my kids failing in school because nobody is helping them. Do you have any advice?

Dear 'Not Selfish':

I think it is safe to say your issue is understood and experienced by me and millions of other stay-at-home moms and dads - past, current, and future. Stay-at-home parents have one of the most difficult jobs, which pigeonhole us for life; in addition, the job itself has little to no respect, even though what we do as stay-at-home parents has a direct correlation to the success and flow of our family units.

I was recently advised that someone in our family said I was a stay-at-home dad because I am a "jobless, lazy, deadbeat." This was reported to me through the mouth and in the eyes of an 11-year-old child, who advised me of such because she watched firsthand what I do when she was visiting us, and saw who I am as a father and what my role is in my family. 

My niece reported those words lovingly and with respect because her innocence allowed her to be open to see the truth about what I actually do for a living, rather what was implied by an ignorant statement from someone who will never "get it." I understand that whomever stated those words intended to hurt me, or criticize me - but ended up validating me and giving me a "proud moment" in my life. I also understand I need to hold onto the truth from my niece - whether I continue working from home, or return to an outside-the-home career.  My niece's experience and "aha moment" is truth. I turn this "aha moment" to you, 'Not Selfish,' and hope you experience the acknowledgment because I know everything you do and sacrifice and endure for the sake of your children and your family every waking and non waking moment of your life.

Ten years of your life have been devoted to your children - including your husband/man-child who chooses to not lift a finger and has nothing but expectation in your partnership. You made a choice for yourself that I am sure you felt was selfish - and I assure you it was not selfish. Every single man and woman deserves to have something that is his/her own. When each woman or man decides to be a stay-at-home parent, we each sacrifice career potential that non-stay-at-home parents ever have to make. We put ourselves at a long term disadvantage in a job market that is frightening enough when one has a proven and consistent track record, and then have to figure out how to explain the "gap" in our resumes if we choose to return to work. "Gap": because what we do as stay-at-home parents is not "work." I hope this misconception is changed in our society and within my lifetime.

You could take this 'trial run' of your return to work and come to more than once conclusion: you can consider yourself a failure for having had the nerve to find something that doesn't feel like work, that is yours, that has respect and eventual benefits, at the cost of your entire family falling apart - and with the "second shift" of responsibilities waiting for you upon your return home at night; or, you can realize that it was not YOU who failed or dropped the ball - rather, it was your man-child husband and your old-enough-to-do-better children who contributed to the 'mess' you returned to when your child became ill and you returned home.

My advice, 'Not Selfish', is to proceed with getting back to your career as soon as possible, and make it clear to your family that you learned a thing or two from the "trial run." Man-child/husband will now put in 50% of the domestic responsibilities and start making sure homework is done, half the meals for the week are cooked, half the shopping is done, half the laundry is done, the house is cleaned half the time, and so on. If he says to you that you "make less than him" or that those menial tasks are "a woman's responsibility," tell him to hire a cook, a maid, a chauffeur, a laundry service, a babysitting service, a personal shopper, a C.N.A., a tutor, and a household manager. Let him know you will contribute your half to all these responsibilities, so he can take money from his salary to hire this help to cover his share. I would then open a bank account, and start depositing all paychecks there, with yourself as the sole authorized user. When he comes back at you with "I'm not doing that - it is your job (as I'm sure he will)," advise him that is fine, but since you are continuing the role of a stay-at-home parent, you will no longer be contributing to your household from your salary. The money in your account is now yours.

I am hopeful that if you try these tactics, he may see that he is being unreasonable and start to pitch in equally. You are both entitled to the same rights/privileges so long as you are contributing equally to the same roles and responsibilities. It is my very firm belief that whether you contribute to your family as a stay-at-home parent, or as a salaried professional - all the money earned is owned equally by both contributing spouses. I hope you can come to a middle ground where everything gets shared equally - both the benefits and the responsibilities. You need to stick to your guns on this, 'Not Selfish', because you are NOT selfish for wanting something that is yours.

I would also advise your children that "fun time" is over, and that you are running a tight ship in which there will be very direct consequences to their actions, whether you are home working, or outside the home working. I hope that the trouble maker has had some type of consequence for his behavior (and if he is old enough to get in that much trouble, he is old enough to be on permanent bathroom duty - including rubber-gloved-scrub-by-hand toilet duty). 

You have given a great gift to your children. Even if they are under ten, they are old enough now to contribute to making your household run efficiently. It takes a village, and in this regard, it takes your village to ensure you can have the career you so desperately crave and deserve, and the family can run like a well-oiled machine. The responsibility falls to every single member of your family.

I also suggest you work a set number of hours and not be the go-to for picking up needed shifts. You have to sacrifice as well, 'Not Selfish', and I think you have admitted to taking on that extra time as more of avoidance than in a career-needed, or financially-driven decision. You and your family need to have a conversation, stat!

I wish you luck and hope you decide to return to work and take the advice I have given. I do not believe this is going to be a smooth or easy transition, but it is worth you standing up for yourself and having the inevitable conflicts to come to a mutually beneficial place for all of you. Some may argue this is advising you to play a 'game' - and this is true. I am advising you to play a game that goes against a game that has been played for generations before us so we can do better for ourselves and to make the tomorrows to come for our sons and daughters more equal, prosperous, and fulfilling for EVERYONE. Good thoughts and energy to you and your family, and please keep us updated.

I understand that traditionally men have had the freedom to completely shirk their responsibilities at home, as parents, as spouses. I believe this "trend" of the 'traditional marriage enterprise' is changing and morphing - and many are idealizing the concept of the 'egalitarian marriage enterprise'. I understand, certainly as a stay-at-home parent, that domestic and provisional responsibility falls to both parents (and while historically I have been more in the supportive role of my wife's professional successes, I always contributed provisionally as well). What is the complexity (aside from hundreds of years of tradition) in realizing that if one gives more, one gets more and that marriage, parenting, and family should be a 50/50 partnership?

The one with the 'Former co-sleeper wannabe'

Dear Dad,

Needing some advice on how to get my 4 year old to sleep in his own bedroom. In our previous house, the rooms were way too spaced out, so for his first 2 1/2 years, he shared a room with us. Now that we bought a new house, his bedroom is super close but I can't get him to stop sneaking into our room late at night. 

Santa brought him an awesome bed for Christmas, slide on it and all. Yet Santa didn't know what to do with the old bed so put it in our room, and of course our son prefers to sleep in the old bed. Even if I took apart the old one I'm afraid he'd still just come in and sleep on the floor. I'm at a loss.  I suggested to my husband doing a star chart for sleeping in his room, but he did not think it was a good idea. 

What are your thoughts/advice? Oh and the challenging part is my job, I work from home but have clients with special needs stay the night some times, when they do stay the night our son sleeps in our room just out of precaution.

Dear 'Former co-sleeper wannabe',

I had a perfect answer for your question based on my experience - until I read the last line of your question.  

The key to getting your children to stay in their own beds is to be consistent and ironclad about the routine of going to (and staying in) bed on their own.  There can never be an exception - otherwise, your children will figure out ways to manipulate their way back into your bed or bedroom.  

My advice is to override Santa's decision to put the old (more familiar and more comfortable and soothing) bed in your room, and get rid of it immediately.  I would explain to your son that he is getting to be a 'big boy', and make a big deal about how brave and strong he is going to be now that his "job" is to sleep in his own room.  I think your idea of doing a star chart is brilliant, and I would suggest kicking it up a notch and put a reward system in place. Perhaps when he gets seven stars (one per night totally in his own room) he gets some type of treat or privilege?

Now, the tricky part regarding the overnight guests: you are 100% correct that you must protect your children when having any stranger or client sleeping in your home.  The problem is, if you don't go 100% in with him sleeping in his own room, you could potentially face this problem for years (a prior 'Dear Dad' question regarding this found a teenage boy still sleeping in his parents' bed).  

I suggest the nights you have clients sleep at your home, you put your son to bed the way you would any other night.  Once he is asleep, I think you should sleep in his room (and not in his bed).  I would also get a lock for his door and lock it on those nights to ensure both your safety.  Best of luck to you, and please keep us updated!

We allowed co-sleeping with our oldest, despite protests on my part.  Once my wife experienced the years-long struggle getting our oldest to sleep on her own, she had no question about not co-sleeping with our twins.  We were consistent from day one with the twins sleeping in their own beds, and they slept on their own a lot quicker than our oldest (years quicker). What do you all think?  Is co-sleeping a good idea, and if so, at what age do you hang the 'do not disturb' sign on your bedroom door?

The one with the 'good question'

Dear Dad,

How do I get my kids to not compare themselves to each other? My girls are so competitive and they are only 7 and 4!

Dear 'Good Question',

I have a feeling that if I had a definitive, universal answer to your question, I would be writing this advice column while sipping the finest of scotches, in an evening jacket from the ocean front terrace of a winter home on Waikiki.

I think as parents we have to accept that self comparison is human nature for us all - especially children who are making their way in an unknown world. When you add the concept of sibling rivalry to said comparisons we make even as adults with neighbors/strangers? You've just summed up my life as the father of twin six-year-old girls!

My advice is to highlight each of your children's strengths and applaud accomplishments and make criticisms with your children individually. Parenting can be a juggling act, and I believe having a lot of balls in the air is necessary to ensure each of your children are given the opportunity and attention for their individual selves to develop to their utmost potential.

My twins seem to reach milestones at different times, and with each accomplishment, the other becomes envious and down on herself if the same task is not mastered. My wife and I have known that an important task as parents involves the above advice - an easy feat for the first several years. Now that the girls are getting older, nature is taking its course and the girls are developing differently.  My daughters are seeing their sibling's accomplishments as "not being as good as" if one is not physically or psychologically ready for something the other has achieved.

One of my twins grew just tall enough to be able to use the water slide at our community pool just before it closed in October. My twins were equally terrified and enthralled by the water slide since we moved to Florida in August. When one of them was finally able to take the plunge, the moment was intense for her - a definitive marker event in her experience of growing up. She jumped up and down and screeched with excitement of her huge achievement. Her shorter (but two minutes older) twin sister was crushed. The same younger and taller sister has lost not one, but three teeth. My daughter has said more than once that she feels like "a big baby" because she is "so far behind" her sister. She has expressed a sense of defeat and of not being 'as good as' her little sister.

When we went to our last dental appointment, the twins advised their very precocious and smart 20-something dental hygienist of these facts, accomplishments, and pitfalls. The hygienist looked at my shorter, has-all-her-teeth twin and whispered, with a wink: "you are older by 2 minutes? That is something that you will always have - you are a big sister! It is great that your little sister is accomplishing these things that you will soon accomplish and master, but she will never be older than you. Don't say anything to her, because that would make her feel bad; but, don't feel bad because you are always a step ahead." 

The beaming, prideful look on my daughter's face was priceless and taught me something: it is sometimes OK to point out advantages one child has over another, so long as it is co-taught that flaunting said advantages would make others feel bad and be in poor form.

My wife and I waited until we had a moment alone with 'big sister' to discuss the situation. She was full grinned and boasting about the responsibilities of being a 'big sister'. We agreed with her about those responsibilities, but focused on her artwork, her grasp of technology, and her creativity and how amazing she was in those areas and how she should focus on her many accomplishments. She focused, rather vocally, on being two minutes older than her little sister and what a big deal it was that she is, was, and always will be a big sister!

I guess there are no definitive rules, and am now very aware of our next project/life lesson - tact and humility. Thank you for submitting your question which allowed me to focus on this subject - this has given me food for thought.  Please keep us updated, and best of luck to you!

How do you deal with your children comparing themselves to each other and with sibling rivalry? Do you take an active role to try to influence/referee your children, or allow them to figure it out for themselves?