The one with the question from another time

Dear "Dad",

I don't want to even take away from real dads by addressing you as 'dad'. You stay at home and live off your wife. Are you even a man? 

A man's job is to take care of his WIFE and children, not be Mary Poppins. Sorry, I don't get it.

Dear 'Anachronism',

Sorry, I typically like to find a quirky way of addressing the questioner where I call him or her by a defining word within the question. Here, I chose the first word that came to mind, and it was "practically perfect in every way," even if not a direct word from your question.  I can't believe that I am dignifying this question with a response - but this is not the first time I've been asked this question.

I can assure you that I fathered three children, and have a penis.  Does that make me a man?

I woke up this morning and I walked into my less than perfect kitchen that I will later clean spotless at least twice today (I admit to running out of steam last night, so dirty bowls, pans, and utensils remained everywhere), and cleared a space to prepare my children's lunches. I then searched in my cupboard that I organized myself, for some plastic baggies (and they have Elsa and Anna on them-- for the win!) to pack their snacks. I went to the garage, where I have two furniture restoration projects in the works, and gathered three bottles of water, as I learned that Florida has toilet to tap water, and I refuse to allow my children to drink the septic water that is recycled in school water fountains.

I packed everything in their bags, and then went to the laundry basket. I am imperfect, and do not put clothes away fast enough to be a 'good housewife'; but, I do enough to ensure that clothes are always clean. I took three pairs of underwear, six socks, three pairs of pants, three shirts, and then three alternate shirts (see, I've done this before and know at least one of my kids will complain about the outfit I chose). I then set the outfits on the dining room table so everyone can get ready, once they are awake and eat the food I placed on the kitchen bar. I made three portions of breakfast, and hummed the familiar wake up song.

I proceeded to brew my wife her first cup of coffee (I would soon brew two more that she takes 'to go'), and ensured that the leftovers from the dinner I cooked last night are ready to become an entirely new meal for her lunch this day; tucked perfectly in her bag, with a rose and a sonnet written on her napkin.

I walked into our bedroom that I had cleaned, dusted, and vacuumed the day prior, and with a concert of music with local critters whom I recently met upon relocating to Florida--including alligators, geckos, lizards, snakes, and bugs-- I belted out a loving and uplifting tune to gently summon my wife from her blissful slumber all whilst said critters harmonized with my earth-shattering singing. They took off the comforter from our warm bed, placed my wife's robe on her shoulders, slipped her slippers on her manicured feet (the critters JUST did her toes at my bidding yesterday), delivered her coffee, and drew her a bath. My lovely critters did All THIS whilst accompanying me singing our happy morning song! And this happens-- Every.single.day. #man

I'm unclear, 'Anachronism' what year you think this is.  I don't mean to come across as stern, but I find it disheartening that there are people in the world who think like you and find it acceptable to be so insulting to someone you never met.  I can respect if you choose to do things more traditionally, but please respect others who choose a different path that works for them. 

I understand that part of a paradigm shift and in a revolution of gender roles that the pioneers will face backlash.  What do you think?  Can a man be a "real man" if he takes care of his children and domestic duties (even with a little help from the magical singing critters)? 



link to original comments, feel free to comment below (especially if you are the person who asked this question):  Click here for original Facebook post

The one with the mom who needs to "let go"

Dear Dad,

I need some male/dad perspective. Lets start by saying I was raised without a father, so I really don't know what that family dynamic looks like. I am the mother of a 16 year old boy and I am having a hard time finding the line between letting him fix his own problems and stepping in myself. It was only him and me for the first 10 years of his life. Enter step-dad, who loves him dearly. My son has experienced his first big blow up with his close buddy over, you guessed it, a girl. He has two very close buddies and one of them broke up with the girlfriend because, from what I understand, he doesn't think she should talk to ANY other males while they date. My son is also her friend (no interest beyond friendship). His buddy thinks he should stop all communication with the girl, and by my son not doing that, he must be interested in her. Keep in mind we live in a small town and the entire sophomore class consists of 55 students. My son wants to maintain his friendship with both people, also believing his buddy is wrong for demanding she not have friendships with other boys. Step-dad is telling him, literally, "bro's before ho's." And I think I messed up and got involved by calling one of the boys' moms. What on earth is the appropriate action by a mother in these situations. I'm not a helicopter mom, but sometimes, I do act like a bird on shoulder wanting to make sure his world is perfect......Help.......

Dear 'Time to Let Go':

My three girls are still quite young (ten, six and six), so I can't offer you advice from experience; however, I can offer based off my first impression, and my experience as a once-16 year old boy. 

At some point every parent needs to "let go" a bit and allow their children to fall and figure out how to get back up. I have had personal experience with this a few times already, and ultimately stepped in (there were some kids bullying my oldest, and I ultimately had to involve the school.  All involved ended becoming good friends, and it was a great overall learning experience). I worried that I overstepped a boundary, but due to the situation and her age (she was 8) I know I made the right call. But at what point do I let her fend for herself?

I think this was a good opportunity where you could have let go a bit. I think you crossed a line by calling the mother of a 16 year old boy to try to fix '16 year old drama'.  I, with that being said, completely understand why you made that call, 'Time to let go'. 

I hope one day when I am in your shoes, I take my own advice, but know from experience I have not when faced with what you were faced with. I think back to the drama from when I was 16, and if my mom were to call anyone over any of  it--especially in a small town where word-of-mouth spreads like wildfire? I am sorry to say I think you were in the wrong. 

My advice is to talk to your son and apologize for over stepping a boundary. Explain to him that he is your heart/soul and you were only trying to protect him. I think he will appreciate your honesty, and also see that you are empowering him as a young man to fix his own problems, and he may gain a new respect for you by you acknowledging that you are a human being, imperfect, and make mistakes.

I would take it a step further and (if you agree with me) tell him his step father was wrong to say "bros before hos." Males and females can have platonic friendships (though I agree with anyone who says there will probably be some type of attraction on one side or another). Your son's friend sounds like a bit of a controlling an confused kid.  His own insecurities cost him a relationship and possibly a friendship. I applaud your son for standing up for what is "right," and agree with your son. This is not your son's issue, the girl's issue, and certainly not your  issue. This is the insecure boy's issue. I hope he learns his lesson. I hope you have a dialogue with your son to help him come to this conclusion on his own. 

Good luck to you!
Parents/Grandparents of teens:   what has been your experience with when to let go and when to allow your children to fight their own battles?   

As part of this advice column, I encourage readers to use the comment section to have a conversation on the subjects that are presented for 'Dear Dad.'  I will be around all day to be part of the conversation.  What are everyone's thoughts?