Thursday, September 29, 2016

The One With the Pig and the Work Floozy

Dear Dad,
My husband and I have been married for six years. I just proved this past January that he has been "dating" a girl at work off and on for the past four years. Looking back it had to be around the time that he started suggesting we hang out with her and her husband that they started to see each other. We on occasion went out together as a double date for drinks or to shoot pool. She knew he was married with two kids before they ever took it past talking.
He has started to try to be more of a part of mine and the kids lives since I confronted him with proof this time (I couldn't prove but have brought up their relationship several times in the past- back then you couldn't read what was in the texts but could see how many was going to and from who. 1,000+ texts in one month alone between the two of them and they were always deleted from his phone).
So here is my question: for years I have wanted another baby, he always said no. Recently he has started suggesting that we try for another baby. I can't help but wonder if his motivation for wanting another child is to pull me back in because since I have proven his infidelity I have not been the sweet and out going person he married. I am not so ready to jump into bringing a baby into our mess, but am I wrong for that? He still works with that woman and I feel like maybe the craziness of the whole new baby journey might push him back to her. The six weeks after our youngest child being born was when they started "talking as friends."
The "Work Wife"
Dear "Instincts,"
I changed your name because I feel it is more fitting for your question. You have a gut instinct on what to do, and you need to trust it. Never use a baby as a marriage/relationship band aid. It would not be fair to the unborn child nor your other kids, and I promise you it won't work and you may find yourself the single mother to three children instead of two.Is that really something you are prepared to face?
You have some questions to ask yourself. First, are you interested in an open marriage, because you are married to someone who clearly lacks the ability to be monogamous. As I've mentioned in my column before, my wife and I began in an open relationship. We didn't believe in monogamy, nor a traditional marriage. When push came to shove, it did not work for us and led to a six year break up. For some people, it works. It didn't work for us and from what I gathered from your question, I don't think it would work for you either.
My issue with your situation is that he didn't just "cheat" on you - he had an ongoing relationship with someone he has an intimate and daily connection with. I call that a special kind of pig. If he wanted an open relationship, he should have discussed it with you and not gone behind your back. I wondered if perhaps he and work floozy and her husband were going to ask you to swing (I always go with my gut when I read a question). It does not seem from your question, though, that the issue was ultimately about sex or lacking the ability to be monogamous - he full on had a secret relationship with another person! How does that make you feel?
Second, why are you still in your marriage? Is your husband providing everything you need to remain the "sweet outgoing person" you were when you got married and that you deserve to be? Are you growing together as a couple and as a team? Is this what you signed up for?
Third, if a man disrespects you so much that he takes you on double dates with work floozy and her husband, what does that say about what he thinks of you? Do you think that gesture means he thinks you are a smart, deserving woman? Or, does he think you are a clueless doormat?
The solution to your problem is not avoidance and bringing another human being into the mix. You need to answer the questions I asked you for yourself and then get into some counseling - both with your husband and for yourself. I believe every marriage is worth working on to fix. I just just worry that you have been an afterthought and so horribly betrayed.
It is going to take a lot of work, blood, sweat, tears and rebuilding of trust for this story to have a happy ending. Regardless, I wish YOU a happy ending because you can have any life that you want. Make sure you prioritize yourself - he sure hasn't been. <3
Readers - what are your thoughts? Could you stay with someone who had a long-term, secret, ongoing intimate relationship with someone else?

photo: flickr/
ryan remillard

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